So I haven't posted in a while, and that's simply because I didn't know what I wanted this blog to be. I didn't know if I wanted to continue sharing some insight into my life or if I wanted to take a new direction on things and do something new. And I kind of want to do both with this post, mainly to update the blog, and mainly so that I can update everyone on my life since school and work seem to take up more of my time than I would like.
I'll give a really brief update, since life between now and the last update has changed significantly. My life got really turbulent this time last year. I had a lot of drama and things go on and that forced me to lose a lot of the friends that I thought had my back. On the bright side, that forced me to make new friends and rekindle some of the friendships that I had lost. New friends meant new opportunities, and I eventually made a friend and that friendship turned into a new relationship. There were plenty of speed bumps on that route, but I've all but put those speed bumps in my rear view mirror, and I'm trudging on.
But now, life is taking more turns than I thought possible. I'm in my senior year of college, and my graduation application was accepted so I'll be graduating in the Spring semester. Graduation is so close that I can smell it and it's glorious. But at the same time, it's weird conceptualizing the fact that I'm going to be a full time worker now, and that I won't have to be in school anymore. I'm testing out a position right now at work, that will be for a potential full time position, making sure that I'm a good fit for the job and that I'm going to do as well as my boss, the department I work for, and the department that I'm going to working under think I will do. I'm not going to lie, doing a full time job with part time hours is rough. Not physically but mentally and I've been learning lesson after lesson, and so the real purpose of this post is to talk about these lessons, if for nothing else than for future Alyssa to remember the lessons. The main lesson that I'm focusing on is taking care of yourself.
So school has been crazy. Like I mentioned, it's my senior year which means projects. All the projects forever. I'm in five classes, and I'm still working. I'm sure that anyone who has already learned the lesson that I keep eluding to has already figured out what said lesson is on, and that's feeling burned out.
I found that I was becoming less and less effective and productive, both at work and in school. When I was at work, I found that I was getting distracted and finding new ways to just burn time and avoid doing what I really should have been working on in the first place. I think my boss caught onto it too, and she tried to hint that to me in a roundabout sort of way. One night, as I was procrastinating all my time away on Facebook, I decided to do some research on feeling burnt out. I was astounded. So many people, so many CEO's even, had posts talking about their experiences on feeling burnt out. I thought that I was invincible, that I could avoid feeling burnt out by just forcing my brain to work. I couldn't fathom the idea that feeling burnt out was as common as it was, so I decided to talk to one of the biggest role models in my life, my boss.
My boss is the type of person that takes on all the tasks that everyone seems to loathe, and thus, avoid. She doesn't really ever complain about the tasks that she hates, even though nearly everyone else (myself included) does. If I'm honest, she even has a way of motivating you to like doing the task that you don't want to do. Needless to say, I kind of idolize her for her ability to just sit down and get all those awful tasks done. So I really valued her input. And you know what she told me? That even she gets burnt out. And with this knowledge I knew that no one was immune to this thing. That everyone needed breaks. I told her how I was feeling and some of the things that I was experiencing and she told me that she often starts to feel the same.
So what have I learned? That breaks and leave are necessary. Completely necessary. They are necessary for you to just stay sane. At the recommendation of my boss, I'm taking a little mental vacay tomorrow and I'm excited to try it out. I'm excited about the fact that I have the opportunity to binge watch Netflix, play some new games, and read my book that I've been working on reading all semester. The next lesson that I have to learn is that I need to take time for me and take care of myself, and part of that means leaving work at work and outside stressors, outside. I need to focus on escaping from the world when I'm home, and tackling the world when I'm out in it. I'm anxious about not doing any school work, or even work at my job. I fear that I'm going to get behind, but every time I think that, I just remind myself that it is necessary, and that I do need this. At least, I need it if I want to be productive and effective.
10/26/17
4/17/17
Rising, Rising
I have been wanting to write a blog post for a while, but didn't know what I wanted to write about. I just knew I needed to write about something. Nothing dramatic has been happening really, but it seems like 2017 is leaps and bounds better than 2016 was for me.
Since my last post, I've done a lot of soul searching. I lost a lot of who I wanted to be in my last relationship. I forgot what I wanted out of life and was so focused on reviving a relationship that was already on life support that I forgot about me. Once I was out of that relationship I had a lot of time to myself, and a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to set goals to meet and really just focus on me without having to worry about a relationship. At first it was awful, and all I wanted was to find someone to rebound off of, but I told myself that was wrong. What I really needed to love myself.
It's really odd and hard to grasp, the concept of loving yourself. I went through a bout of some really low points, probably a few months. But I kind of just got tired of being sad and I knew I had to snap out of it. But I never really realized how much power our brains hold, it was just a matter of me telling myself that I wanted to be happy, and truly really believing that before I was able to pull myself out of my low points. Every morning I'd find 3 positive aspects of life and focus on those when I started to feel sad. It was when I pulled myself out of my sadness that I really realized I didn't love myself.
I tore myself apart. I was my biggest enemy. I no longer had another person to love me, I was all I had. I would look in the mirror and notice my stretch marks, my big belly and scars and acne and just got really self conscious, for absolutely no reason! I noticed that a big source of negativity in my life was myself, more specifically the ways that I was treating myself. I made a goal to become a healthier Alyssa. And I've been doing just that. I've lost about 25 pounds as a result, and still losing more. I've made it a point to go to the gym and get with doctors for various oddities that I should have had looked at forever ago. Honestly, I am still very overweight, but just doing the little that I have has allowed me to find love in myself. I'm a strong independent woman, don't need no man. ;)
I was able to find so many new friends, especially since the friends I had really stabbed me in the back. And honestly I'm grateful they did because I was able to fill that emptiness with better people. As a result, I actually have things to do on Friday nights for a change, and now I have found a guy that I'm highly interested in and we've been talking a lot. The more I think about it the more I think that this post should be titled "Falling, Falling." I was really hesitant to let myself begin my descent, and also to even get into another relationship. Chief among my worries was that it was just too soon and that I wasn't ready. I took a day and went for a 2 hour, (200 mile drive) and took a one hour swim to really think things through in my mind and figure out what I wanted to do. I'm not a girl who likes to play games or toy with hearts. Needless to say, I'm definitely falling, and after my me time I decided that I was ready for this, but we'll just have to see where that road leads me, if anywhere. Still kind of too soon to tell, you know?
Needless to say, life is looking up for me. I've been cutting out all the negativity from my life and filling it with as much positivity as I possibly can. I've lost a lot of people I thought were friends as a result but I think that it will be for the better. I've started doing things that make me happy, like learning all I can about the weather and really getting into storm chasing. I've been coloring, embracing my creativity, and also playing my guitar a lot more. I've gotten back into gaming a little bit, just where I can with school and everything else that I have going on. I'm just grateful that things are looking up, it's weird to think about how things were for me a year ago today, and how much better they are now.
Through everything that 2016 had thrown at me, I think the biggest thing I've learned is that you are the driver of your happiness. You'll only be happy if you want to be happy. And it takes a lot of strength mentally and emotionally to get there, but if you want it, really truly want it, you'll get there. Despite how awful that year was, I'm grateful for all the lessons it provided me with, and I feel like things happened for just that reason. Here's to a brighter future!
~Alyssa
Since my last post, I've done a lot of soul searching. I lost a lot of who I wanted to be in my last relationship. I forgot what I wanted out of life and was so focused on reviving a relationship that was already on life support that I forgot about me. Once I was out of that relationship I had a lot of time to myself, and a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to set goals to meet and really just focus on me without having to worry about a relationship. At first it was awful, and all I wanted was to find someone to rebound off of, but I told myself that was wrong. What I really needed to love myself.
It's really odd and hard to grasp, the concept of loving yourself. I went through a bout of some really low points, probably a few months. But I kind of just got tired of being sad and I knew I had to snap out of it. But I never really realized how much power our brains hold, it was just a matter of me telling myself that I wanted to be happy, and truly really believing that before I was able to pull myself out of my low points. Every morning I'd find 3 positive aspects of life and focus on those when I started to feel sad. It was when I pulled myself out of my sadness that I really realized I didn't love myself.
I tore myself apart. I was my biggest enemy. I no longer had another person to love me, I was all I had. I would look in the mirror and notice my stretch marks, my big belly and scars and acne and just got really self conscious, for absolutely no reason! I noticed that a big source of negativity in my life was myself, more specifically the ways that I was treating myself. I made a goal to become a healthier Alyssa. And I've been doing just that. I've lost about 25 pounds as a result, and still losing more. I've made it a point to go to the gym and get with doctors for various oddities that I should have had looked at forever ago. Honestly, I am still very overweight, but just doing the little that I have has allowed me to find love in myself. I'm a strong independent woman, don't need no man. ;)
I was able to find so many new friends, especially since the friends I had really stabbed me in the back. And honestly I'm grateful they did because I was able to fill that emptiness with better people. As a result, I actually have things to do on Friday nights for a change, and now I have found a guy that I'm highly interested in and we've been talking a lot. The more I think about it the more I think that this post should be titled "Falling, Falling." I was really hesitant to let myself begin my descent, and also to even get into another relationship. Chief among my worries was that it was just too soon and that I wasn't ready. I took a day and went for a 2 hour, (200 mile drive) and took a one hour swim to really think things through in my mind and figure out what I wanted to do. I'm not a girl who likes to play games or toy with hearts. Needless to say, I'm definitely falling, and after my me time I decided that I was ready for this, but we'll just have to see where that road leads me, if anywhere. Still kind of too soon to tell, you know?
Needless to say, life is looking up for me. I've been cutting out all the negativity from my life and filling it with as much positivity as I possibly can. I've lost a lot of people I thought were friends as a result but I think that it will be for the better. I've started doing things that make me happy, like learning all I can about the weather and really getting into storm chasing. I've been coloring, embracing my creativity, and also playing my guitar a lot more. I've gotten back into gaming a little bit, just where I can with school and everything else that I have going on. I'm just grateful that things are looking up, it's weird to think about how things were for me a year ago today, and how much better they are now.
Through everything that 2016 had thrown at me, I think the biggest thing I've learned is that you are the driver of your happiness. You'll only be happy if you want to be happy. And it takes a lot of strength mentally and emotionally to get there, but if you want it, really truly want it, you'll get there. Despite how awful that year was, I'm grateful for all the lessons it provided me with, and I feel like things happened for just that reason. Here's to a brighter future!
~Alyssa
6/12/16
Messy Messy Things
I had been intending to update you people on my life but, let me just say, life happened. Oh life happened hard my friends. I really feel like this blog is more of my personal coping mechanism than anything else, but I still think keeping people updated is a good thing too. So here we go...
Jacob broke up with me.
Yup. That happened. And it's a thing. Why is still a question that is unanswered, but the answer I got was an answer enough. Things had been kind of rough between us, but they were getting better. We were laughing instead of fighting, and we were just doing better in general and then, not even a full 3 days after our last date (which was a lot of fun, by the way) he dropped the bomb. That was on the 27th of May. He told me the whole "it's not you, it's me" spiel (basically), and told me that he had to find himself. That's a really admirable thing to say when you break up with someone, and no I'm not being sarcastic when I say that. Knowing that you have lost yourself and who you are and knowing that you need to break it off with your S.O. takes guts. Regardless, I knew that wasn't it. I knew he was going through some extremely hard and messy things himself, but I knew that wasn't the real reason. He eventually told me, and it was because he just didn't love me anymore, and he hadn't for a while. And you know what? Even though that still isn't an answer to me, it's better than what I had before, and it's the honest truth. It was enough of an answer for me to move on, well that, among other things helped.
I learned, shortly after we broke up, that he had his ex come over to his place. No, I didn't ask if he was seeing her, it was just happenstance that I found out. Now if that was just seeing her as a friend or seeing her as lover is a different story and a story that is being left a mystery. Maybe he does love her, but it doesn't matter because he doesn't love me and his love life shouldn't worry me. But I'm a girl, so naturally, it does. However, I'm keeping my inner girl at bay and resisting the urge to ask him that, more on this later. I had also heard that he was victimizing himself in all of this, and maybe he was the victim and maybe he wasn't, that is something that is definitely of an opinion to the beholder (because I think I'm the true victim here) but, again, it really doesn't matter who was or was not the victim. Honestly, we were both probably at fault. I am here to just rant and give my side of things.
I really truly don't know if it was me that messed us up or not. I was being really hard on him because he wasn't reaching the goals that he wanted to reach, and definitely not the goals that I wanted him to reach. And when I say being really hard on him, I mean being REALLY hard on him. It got so bad I didn't even know if I wanted to stay with him. On the other hand, he was riding me really hard about some things too. One of them was my weight, which I knew was bad. I just didn't know where to squeeze in the time for gym without cutting hours at work and without cutting class time. Yeah it's an excuse, but those are two of the biggest things in my life, so they don't seem like excuses to me. And once school let out, I did start working on them. Maybe he saw that I was working on it and maybe he didn't, again it didn't matter because he had already decided that he didn't love me anymore.
I think that I have gotten through the grief of losing him. Finally. We had broken up before and I was basically permanently stuck in the grieving phase. We got back together and that was what basically snapped me out of it. This time around, I was so scared of being like that, that after learning he had gotten back with his ex, I told myself that he did not deserve another tear out of me. The funny fact is that I still cried, but I can count on my fingers the number of times that I cried over him. I then moved into the stage where food didn't taste the same, and where I had felt physically sick over the thought of food. I still ate, but it definitely wasn't the amounts that I had usually ate.
Now I'm in the stage where I'm reinventing the s****y relationship that we had into one that was all daisies and roses. I cannot, for the life of me, remember the bad stuff that happened, but I remember all the good things. I'm reading a book called "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and it actually pointed this out to me. It's called Relationship Revisionist Disorder, it's weird to think that something that seems so natural has a name. Then again, just about every feeling nowadays has a name right?
I'm also questioning everything. When I was packing up his stuff to give to him, I ran into the card that he had given me for our anniversary, and his signature read (and I quote), "Here's to many more! I love you Alyssa! Happy Anniversary! Love, Jacob." Now, he tells me that he didn't love me for a good 4-6 months. Our anniversary was April 1st, and no that is not a joke. That was roughly 2 months ago. So did he really love me? I don't know, and I don't really need to know. But my mind still wants to know, even though my conscious tells it otherwise. Some other things I wonder include: Okay, what is he doing now? Is he back in a relationship with his ex? Does he miss me? Does he care about me? What is he doing now? Does he ever think of me? Does he want to talk to me as bad as I want to talk to him? My mind is just full of questions. About him. About what we had. About why this happened. But I'm really starting to grasp the concept of, "he doesn't love you anymore so it really doesn't matter."
I'm also starting to grasp the fact that now is the time to work on ME. And for right now, the world does revolve around me (at least in my eyes). Now is the perfect time to get myself back on track for the next mister right, because the only commitment that I have to a living being is my cat. And I have been working on just that. I've been eating slightly better, exercising (in fact, I have a gym membership now, and said gym has a pool, and if you know me, you know that pool = permanently water-logged Alyssa), slowly losing weight, I got my hair done, and I even cut it and colored it slightly differently. I am working to climb my way out of my crappy hole that I put myself in emotionally, and I think it's working. I started class last week, and I already have a group of friends, which one of my friends dubbed "Alyssa's group." As a side note, I didn't even know her name when she named it that.
One question a lot of my friends have asked is what I would do if he came back around to me. And the truth is, I don't think I could take him back. If I hadn't known that he went back with his ex, then I definitely would take him back. But I made a promise to myself when we got back together after being broken apart the first time, that if this happened again, I wouldn't get back with him. I gave him his redemption once, and I cannot let myself become a rug that gets trampled on. No matter how much I loved him, and no matter how much I WANT to take him back, I just think that it would happen again. And it would be stupid of me to let myself get walked over because I deserve better than that, and I know I do. If he came back in a month, or even within the next year, I wouldn't take him back. He DOES need to find himself, just like he said he did. And he needs to come to the realization that maybe what he had was good. In a year or two down the road, who knows! Ideally, we both find someone better than each other, and this question/problem isn't really even a question or a problem. But is this world ideal? Not really, at least not with the messy situations that life throws at us.
So yes, this crap does suck. And f**k yes I miss being in a relationship. The hand holds, the kisses, the cuddles, even just having someone to text all day everyday, that's what I miss. The thing I don't miss is him. No matter how good a person he is, and believe me, he still is a good person (just maybe not to me at this particular moment), the fact of the matter is HE dumped ME. Just like that, two years and two months of relationship were dumped down the toilet. But I keep telling myself it's for the better, because I truly believe that there is someone out there who is just dying to give me their love and to let me love them. I just never gave them the chance because I was committed to Jacob. Which at the time was okay, but now it is time to move on.
All of this being said, am I mad? Yes. Am I sad? You betcha. But guess what? Things are getting better and my life IS moving forward despite what I thought clear back on the 27th. I am becoming the new shiney me that I so deserve to be. And even in spite of all of this, I still wish Jacob the best. Because as I said earlier, he is still a good person, even though my conscious doesn't think he is at the moment. Things just sucked between us, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about that no matter how good of a person you are or they are.
To all my readers out there going through a breakup, I hope that you can find the same peace and freedom that I have found and move on with your life. You are all stellar people and deserve to move on. If you need some motivation, I really recommend the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." It isn't one of those stupid breakup books, it really is useful and it doesn't make you feel bad about yourself or your situation. Not only is it chock full of great advice, it also happens to be hilarious.
Looking forward to better days,
Alyssa
Jacob broke up with me.
Yup. That happened. And it's a thing. Why is still a question that is unanswered, but the answer I got was an answer enough. Things had been kind of rough between us, but they were getting better. We were laughing instead of fighting, and we were just doing better in general and then, not even a full 3 days after our last date (which was a lot of fun, by the way) he dropped the bomb. That was on the 27th of May. He told me the whole "it's not you, it's me" spiel (basically), and told me that he had to find himself. That's a really admirable thing to say when you break up with someone, and no I'm not being sarcastic when I say that. Knowing that you have lost yourself and who you are and knowing that you need to break it off with your S.O. takes guts. Regardless, I knew that wasn't it. I knew he was going through some extremely hard and messy things himself, but I knew that wasn't the real reason. He eventually told me, and it was because he just didn't love me anymore, and he hadn't for a while. And you know what? Even though that still isn't an answer to me, it's better than what I had before, and it's the honest truth. It was enough of an answer for me to move on, well that, among other things helped.
I learned, shortly after we broke up, that he had his ex come over to his place. No, I didn't ask if he was seeing her, it was just happenstance that I found out. Now if that was just seeing her as a friend or seeing her as lover is a different story and a story that is being left a mystery. Maybe he does love her, but it doesn't matter because he doesn't love me and his love life shouldn't worry me. But I'm a girl, so naturally, it does. However, I'm keeping my inner girl at bay and resisting the urge to ask him that, more on this later. I had also heard that he was victimizing himself in all of this, and maybe he was the victim and maybe he wasn't, that is something that is definitely of an opinion to the beholder (because I think I'm the true victim here) but, again, it really doesn't matter who was or was not the victim. Honestly, we were both probably at fault. I am here to just rant and give my side of things.
I really truly don't know if it was me that messed us up or not. I was being really hard on him because he wasn't reaching the goals that he wanted to reach, and definitely not the goals that I wanted him to reach. And when I say being really hard on him, I mean being REALLY hard on him. It got so bad I didn't even know if I wanted to stay with him. On the other hand, he was riding me really hard about some things too. One of them was my weight, which I knew was bad. I just didn't know where to squeeze in the time for gym without cutting hours at work and without cutting class time. Yeah it's an excuse, but those are two of the biggest things in my life, so they don't seem like excuses to me. And once school let out, I did start working on them. Maybe he saw that I was working on it and maybe he didn't, again it didn't matter because he had already decided that he didn't love me anymore.
I think that I have gotten through the grief of losing him. Finally. We had broken up before and I was basically permanently stuck in the grieving phase. We got back together and that was what basically snapped me out of it. This time around, I was so scared of being like that, that after learning he had gotten back with his ex, I told myself that he did not deserve another tear out of me. The funny fact is that I still cried, but I can count on my fingers the number of times that I cried over him. I then moved into the stage where food didn't taste the same, and where I had felt physically sick over the thought of food. I still ate, but it definitely wasn't the amounts that I had usually ate.
Now I'm in the stage where I'm reinventing the s****y relationship that we had into one that was all daisies and roses. I cannot, for the life of me, remember the bad stuff that happened, but I remember all the good things. I'm reading a book called "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and it actually pointed this out to me. It's called Relationship Revisionist Disorder, it's weird to think that something that seems so natural has a name. Then again, just about every feeling nowadays has a name right?
I'm also questioning everything. When I was packing up his stuff to give to him, I ran into the card that he had given me for our anniversary, and his signature read (and I quote), "Here's to many more! I love you Alyssa! Happy Anniversary! Love, Jacob." Now, he tells me that he didn't love me for a good 4-6 months. Our anniversary was April 1st, and no that is not a joke. That was roughly 2 months ago. So did he really love me? I don't know, and I don't really need to know. But my mind still wants to know, even though my conscious tells it otherwise. Some other things I wonder include: Okay, what is he doing now? Is he back in a relationship with his ex? Does he miss me? Does he care about me? What is he doing now? Does he ever think of me? Does he want to talk to me as bad as I want to talk to him? My mind is just full of questions. About him. About what we had. About why this happened. But I'm really starting to grasp the concept of, "he doesn't love you anymore so it really doesn't matter."
I'm also starting to grasp the fact that now is the time to work on ME. And for right now, the world does revolve around me (at least in my eyes). Now is the perfect time to get myself back on track for the next mister right, because the only commitment that I have to a living being is my cat. And I have been working on just that. I've been eating slightly better, exercising (in fact, I have a gym membership now, and said gym has a pool, and if you know me, you know that pool = permanently water-logged Alyssa), slowly losing weight, I got my hair done, and I even cut it and colored it slightly differently. I am working to climb my way out of my crappy hole that I put myself in emotionally, and I think it's working. I started class last week, and I already have a group of friends, which one of my friends dubbed "Alyssa's group." As a side note, I didn't even know her name when she named it that.
One question a lot of my friends have asked is what I would do if he came back around to me. And the truth is, I don't think I could take him back. If I hadn't known that he went back with his ex, then I definitely would take him back. But I made a promise to myself when we got back together after being broken apart the first time, that if this happened again, I wouldn't get back with him. I gave him his redemption once, and I cannot let myself become a rug that gets trampled on. No matter how much I loved him, and no matter how much I WANT to take him back, I just think that it would happen again. And it would be stupid of me to let myself get walked over because I deserve better than that, and I know I do. If he came back in a month, or even within the next year, I wouldn't take him back. He DOES need to find himself, just like he said he did. And he needs to come to the realization that maybe what he had was good. In a year or two down the road, who knows! Ideally, we both find someone better than each other, and this question/problem isn't really even a question or a problem. But is this world ideal? Not really, at least not with the messy situations that life throws at us.
So yes, this crap does suck. And f**k yes I miss being in a relationship. The hand holds, the kisses, the cuddles, even just having someone to text all day everyday, that's what I miss. The thing I don't miss is him. No matter how good a person he is, and believe me, he still is a good person (just maybe not to me at this particular moment), the fact of the matter is HE dumped ME. Just like that, two years and two months of relationship were dumped down the toilet. But I keep telling myself it's for the better, because I truly believe that there is someone out there who is just dying to give me their love and to let me love them. I just never gave them the chance because I was committed to Jacob. Which at the time was okay, but now it is time to move on.
All of this being said, am I mad? Yes. Am I sad? You betcha. But guess what? Things are getting better and my life IS moving forward despite what I thought clear back on the 27th. I am becoming the new shiney me that I so deserve to be. And even in spite of all of this, I still wish Jacob the best. Because as I said earlier, he is still a good person, even though my conscious doesn't think he is at the moment. Things just sucked between us, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about that no matter how good of a person you are or they are.
To all my readers out there going through a breakup, I hope that you can find the same peace and freedom that I have found and move on with your life. You are all stellar people and deserve to move on. If you need some motivation, I really recommend the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." It isn't one of those stupid breakup books, it really is useful and it doesn't make you feel bad about yourself or your situation. Not only is it chock full of great advice, it also happens to be hilarious.
Looking forward to better days,
Alyssa
4/14/16
My Worst Day Became my Worst Week
If any of my blog readers know me personally, you would know that I'm a generally positive person with a generally positive outlook on just about everything. You would also know that I just recently had my worst day ever when I was rear ended by someone. No, it was not my fault. You would think that, because it was such a simple rear-ending, it would be a simple fix. At least, that's what I thought and was hoping for. But boy was I wrong. My worst day (in the history of ever), is becoming my worst week ever. I feel like it's starting to become my worst month ever. So here is my story on how that came to be.
Let me start with what happened with the wreck. I was driving to school from work, and I took my usual route. There was traffic, but there is hardly ever a time when there isn't traffic on that route. I took my exit, and I was basically at the exit of the exit. The intersection I was approaching is set up so that those that are exiting (those heading northward) proceed through the intersection without stopping, and the people that are going through the intersection the opposite direction (those going west or turning north from the west) are supposed to stop. A lot of times people will cut in front of those coming off the exit ramp and the people coming off the exit ramp have to slam on their brakes. Well, the person in front of me slammed on their brakes so I slammed on mine. My car was stopped, and was about to jerk me back into my seat when I flew forward and hit my head on the steering wheel. I blacked out briefly and as such, did not realize I was just rear ended. I started to drive away, but heard a scraping noise and then a sizzling noise and decided to inspect further. I stumbled out of my car and found that my car was mostly okay, and the guy that hit me, well, his car was just done for. I call 911, the cops come, yada yada yada....
At first we worried if my car was going to get totaled out, the damage was pretty bad. Aside from the cosmetic element of the accident, my exhaust system got all messed up, the trunk won't close because the bottom half of the trunk (and not the trunk door itself) got pushed in towards my engine, my glove box is broken and won't close, and as I'm driving it more, I'm finding that my alignment got messed up too. It doesn't seem too bad, but I've had to fix my car redneck style at least 3 different times now. It doesn't feel safe to drive, it honestly scares me to drive, and somehow it was still deemed "driveable," and "safe to drive."
Anyway, I digress. They did not total my car out and I was pretty relieved. This is my first car and I just wasn't ready to say goodbye to it just yet. I scheduled for a time to take it in and get repaired, and find that, because we are in Texas and because some of the worst weather happens in March and April, that it will take a week for them to get it in. That didn't seem too bad, but the more I drive it, the more things go wrong with it, and at this point I'm just ready to pay for a rental out of pocket.
Before I get into the mess with getting a rental though, I'll get into more dirty details. So I went to the doctor the day after my accident (Last Wednesday, the 6th) to get checked out. I was really sore and couldn't move my neck, and I was also showing symptoms of a concussion. Well, I found out I did have a concussion, I had whiplash, and then I had a contusion (or a severe bruise). The doctor prescribed me to 12 sessions of Physical Therapy. which translates to 4 weeks, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Because of this, my work hours have been severely hampered. Along with that, I refuse to take my car on the freeway, so my commute time doubled (it takes me close to an hour to get from home to work and vice versa). Thankfully I have an awesome boss who understands what I'm going through. She is always quick to remind me that I will come out of this knowing something that I didn't before, and it's probably something that is important and that I needed to know. But even an awesome boss can't just make hours appear on your time clock. So my income is being hampered severely.
Well, then I realized, after my car goes into the shop, I'll need a rental. Usually, to rent a car, you have to be 21, and I'm only 20. That rule is utter horseshit to me because I can drive, and move out of the house (and even to a different state, in my case), but when I get rear ended (and it wasn't my fault) I can't get a vehicle to get me to essential everyday functions of my life. I just don't get it.
I digress, again. So the end of the semester is near, and that means that the projects are just being thrown at you from all 360 degrees. Everywhere you turn another paper is due, or another test is assigned. Because of that, I've been very short on time, and having a broken car means I run even shorter on time because it takes me longer to get to where I need to go. Being a working college student without a car is literally a living nightmare. I finally was able to go into Enterprise today to talk to them. Well, because of all the hail-storms that have been coming around here recently, they had a waitlist of 20 people. Furthermore, the only way I can get a rental is if my insurance will set up a direct bill. Oh, and they tack on a fee for anyone under the age of 20. And you have to have full coverage insurance on your current car.
Needless to say, after my car goes into the shop, I don't know if I'll have a rental. And if I don't that means I don't know how I'll get to work. At this point my only even semi viable option is a three hour commute time by public transportation. Or taking a taxi. At this point, I'm basically at the mercy of God, and I know that. I've prayed and prayed for something good to come through and so far, not much has. But I know that there is a silver lining somewhere and I've just got to keep trudging on through the mess to see the silver lining.
I'm so stressed out and downright frustrated about the whole situation in general, but even more so with just the rental car thing I want to cry and scream and get a hug from my parents and a kiss from my dog. But we can't have everything we want in life can we?
~Alyssa
2/28/16
Weather and Me
I haven't posted in a while, and I figured maybe I should show a sign of life and post something so I figured I'd share a bit of my past with everyone and update on one of the biggest accomplishments I've done so far.
Let's rewind to my toddler days, when I was about 4 years old. I was living in Utah at the time, and a big storm had blown in. There was plenty of lightning and thunder and 4 year old me was scared out of her mind. My mom, finally having enough of it, decided to go outside (under our porch), sit me on her lap, and make me watch the storm roll through. From that day forward, my family and I would always sit on the porch and watch Mother Nature's fury unfold right before our eyes.
About a year later, they were watching what is still one of my favorite movies- Twister. I saw one of the scenes with a tornado and was totally engrossed in everything about it. My mom fast forwarded to all of the scenes involving tornadoes, and that became my new favorite movie. We've watched it so many times as a family that we can now recite almost the entire movie line by line.
After seeing the tornadoes on Twister, I decided to take things further. When I was about 7 I started researching the Weather. I read everything I could, researched the internet, and learned as much as I could about the weather, more specifically tornadoes. I thought I was going to be a storm chaser and attend University of Oklahoma. I continued this intensive research until I was about 12. When I had reached that age, I realized that pursuing a meteorology degree wasn't going to get me where I wanted to be in my life.
After that, all throughout Junior High and High School, I was more into computers and the technical side of the theater (which I still very much am). The weather enthusiast in me kind of fizzled out and died. It wasn't until I moved to Texas, and began experiencing (pretty much firsthand) just how ferocious Mother Nature can be. I found myself getting terrified whenever there was a tornado warning, and didn't have a clue about what was going on. So what did I do? During one particular storm, back in Fall 2015, I went back to my toddler days, and faced my fears.
I tuned into Twitter, and followed various local meteorologists, storm chasers, and the National Weather Service. I was seeing some of the people chasing the storms and something ignited the passion within me once again. One of my coworkers at work is very much involved in meteorology as well, and he helped me reattain my passion too.
This weekend, I pursued that dream just a little more and became a National Weather Service storm spotter! I'm a part of the Skywarn program, and we monitor a report called the Hazardous Weather Outlook, and wait to be called to action. When called upon, we are monitoring the weather and cloud formations with our own senses and sending data back into the National Weather Service. This is something I can do comfortably from my home, or I can be a "Mobile Spotter," or in other words, a storm chaser. I don't have plans of becoming a storm chaser, but I might chase some if they aren't far away or especially dangerous.
All of this being said, I've learned something too. Sometimes, those outrageous fears that we have, the ones we don't think we could ever get rid of, can turn into a passion. And those passions can become dreams. I think that we should follow those dreams, face those fears, and see what we can make of it. All I know is, following my childhood dream, and doing something with it, has me so excited. Bring on the storm season of 2016!
Love,
Alyssa
Let's rewind to my toddler days, when I was about 4 years old. I was living in Utah at the time, and a big storm had blown in. There was plenty of lightning and thunder and 4 year old me was scared out of her mind. My mom, finally having enough of it, decided to go outside (under our porch), sit me on her lap, and make me watch the storm roll through. From that day forward, my family and I would always sit on the porch and watch Mother Nature's fury unfold right before our eyes.
About a year later, they were watching what is still one of my favorite movies- Twister. I saw one of the scenes with a tornado and was totally engrossed in everything about it. My mom fast forwarded to all of the scenes involving tornadoes, and that became my new favorite movie. We've watched it so many times as a family that we can now recite almost the entire movie line by line.
After seeing the tornadoes on Twister, I decided to take things further. When I was about 7 I started researching the Weather. I read everything I could, researched the internet, and learned as much as I could about the weather, more specifically tornadoes. I thought I was going to be a storm chaser and attend University of Oklahoma. I continued this intensive research until I was about 12. When I had reached that age, I realized that pursuing a meteorology degree wasn't going to get me where I wanted to be in my life.
After that, all throughout Junior High and High School, I was more into computers and the technical side of the theater (which I still very much am). The weather enthusiast in me kind of fizzled out and died. It wasn't until I moved to Texas, and began experiencing (pretty much firsthand) just how ferocious Mother Nature can be. I found myself getting terrified whenever there was a tornado warning, and didn't have a clue about what was going on. So what did I do? During one particular storm, back in Fall 2015, I went back to my toddler days, and faced my fears.
I tuned into Twitter, and followed various local meteorologists, storm chasers, and the National Weather Service. I was seeing some of the people chasing the storms and something ignited the passion within me once again. One of my coworkers at work is very much involved in meteorology as well, and he helped me reattain my passion too.
This weekend, I pursued that dream just a little more and became a National Weather Service storm spotter! I'm a part of the Skywarn program, and we monitor a report called the Hazardous Weather Outlook, and wait to be called to action. When called upon, we are monitoring the weather and cloud formations with our own senses and sending data back into the National Weather Service. This is something I can do comfortably from my home, or I can be a "Mobile Spotter," or in other words, a storm chaser. I don't have plans of becoming a storm chaser, but I might chase some if they aren't far away or especially dangerous.
All of this being said, I've learned something too. Sometimes, those outrageous fears that we have, the ones we don't think we could ever get rid of, can turn into a passion. And those passions can become dreams. I think that we should follow those dreams, face those fears, and see what we can make of it. All I know is, following my childhood dream, and doing something with it, has me so excited. Bring on the storm season of 2016!
Love,
Alyssa
4/5/15
Rant Time
So I haven't posted in a while because I honestly don't have a whole lot to say nowadays, but I do have something that I just need to get off my chest. Maybe I'll lose some friends, maybe people will talk about me, but I don't care. You know those things that you just get tired of carrying around, buried deep inside yourself? And you know how sometimes you just get tired of carrying it? I'm there right now.
Maybe I'm just stressed out from school and work and life in general, but maybe I'm not but let me just start by saying the following sentence(s? I don't know how many it will be, I'm just in rant mode and need to get it out. Y'all know how that goes.).
I am not a Mormon. I don't want to be. I have no desire to be one. And because of where I was raised and because of the people that have ruined that for me, I will never, ever have any desire to be any part of that affiliation. A lot of my friends are Mormons and I love them TO DEATH. But here me out now.
I DO NOT want to be any part of your religion. Please quit forcing it down my throat. I'm tired of it. I moved from Utah for a reason, and it wasn't because I wanted to move to yet another place to get it forced down my throat even more.
So let me get this straight. I am a Christian. I have no religious affiliation beyond that. I believe in the bible, I believe in God and Jesus. The one thing I don't believe in? The Mormon religion and it's book. I'm not shaming anyone who is a part of that church but I know so many people that are like me. I know so many people that move from Utah because the Mormon cult of Utah is just too much to handle.
Cult? Yes. Cult. Why do I say that? Well, after moving to Texas, it was almost a relief not to have every single one of my friends force their religion down my throat. Beyond that, the Mormons here are different. They are so nice. They don't make me feel ashamed of myself when I say that I'm not a Mormon. They are just a whole other species. And that's how I feel a religion should be. One that is welcoming to all other walks of life. Be it Muslim, Hindu, Atheist, I think that a religion should be accepting of everybody. And let me just say, the Mormons of Utah (for the most part) are not welcoming of ANYBODY that aren't are a part of their church. And I feel like it's a cult mentality. You can't be friends with someone because they aren't your same religion. You know what? Let me just share a quote from an essay I wrote my Senior year of English when I moved to Texas:
That being said. I will never be a part of the Mormon Church. Ever. The things that I experienced living in Utah have scarred me far too much to ever consider being a part of something like the Mormon church. So before you even think about converting me, handing me your book, or even mentioning your church, just know that I'm going to ignore you, or if it's on Facebook, I will delete your comment. I don't want to be any part of your church, just like you don't want any part of my religion. And you know what? That's okay. And also, all your posts about the church and all of your public announcements from church leaders? Yeah. I won't ever listen to them or read them. So don't even waste your time recommending it to me because it just flat out won't happen.
To those that are like me, know that believing in God is not a bad thing. Believing in whatever you want to believe in is not a bad thing. What becomes bad is when you force it down somebodies throat.
Please think before you start to shove your religion down somebodies throat- especially mine.
~Alyssa
(As a side note: I hope I made myself clear. There are some really, really great Utah Mormons out there. But the majority ruin it for the minority. And if y'all have never heard of my struggles then this probably doesn't apply to you.)
(If you want to read the rest of my essay, "A World of Hypocrisy" you can do so here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0Bzc2MzzgQerbbVYzWjE1RTZ3MU0/view?usp=sharing. For privacy reasons, names that were mentioned in the page were changed to random names generated from a random name generator.)
Maybe I'm just stressed out from school and work and life in general, but maybe I'm not but let me just start by saying the following sentence(s? I don't know how many it will be, I'm just in rant mode and need to get it out. Y'all know how that goes.).
I am not a Mormon. I don't want to be. I have no desire to be one. And because of where I was raised and because of the people that have ruined that for me, I will never, ever have any desire to be any part of that affiliation. A lot of my friends are Mormons and I love them TO DEATH. But here me out now.
I DO NOT want to be any part of your religion. Please quit forcing it down my throat. I'm tired of it. I moved from Utah for a reason, and it wasn't because I wanted to move to yet another place to get it forced down my throat even more.
So let me get this straight. I am a Christian. I have no religious affiliation beyond that. I believe in the bible, I believe in God and Jesus. The one thing I don't believe in? The Mormon religion and it's book. I'm not shaming anyone who is a part of that church but I know so many people that are like me. I know so many people that move from Utah because the Mormon cult of Utah is just too much to handle.
Cult? Yes. Cult. Why do I say that? Well, after moving to Texas, it was almost a relief not to have every single one of my friends force their religion down my throat. Beyond that, the Mormons here are different. They are so nice. They don't make me feel ashamed of myself when I say that I'm not a Mormon. They are just a whole other species. And that's how I feel a religion should be. One that is welcoming to all other walks of life. Be it Muslim, Hindu, Atheist, I think that a religion should be accepting of everybody. And let me just say, the Mormons of Utah (for the most part) are not welcoming of ANYBODY that aren't are a part of their church. And I feel like it's a cult mentality. You can't be friends with someone because they aren't your same religion. You know what? Let me just share a quote from an essay I wrote my Senior year of English when I moved to Texas:
Growing up as a child in Utah as a non-Mormon was not only hard, but it was confusing too. I can remember coming home from school in my Elementary days in tears because another girl on the playground found out I wasn’t the same religion as her, and her parents thought I’d be a bad influence on her. I can remember too, bringing my friends over to my house, and they would stare open mouthed at our coffee machine. Mormons thought it was a sin to drink tea or coffee, consequently, there were few coffee machines in their homes. Life was confusing as well, I never understood why any of my friends couldn’t come over to play on Sunday, nor did I understand why they were always dressed up every Sunday in fancy tuxedos, and cute dresses. But as I grew older, I understood what they were doing, and learned to accept the fact that my Sundays were bound to be long and boring.I hate to say the people like me, but so many people experience this. EVERY. DAY. If you are going to even begin to claim to be a Christian, why would you shame somebody for believing in the same God as you for starters, and for ending, God is a loving being of everybody. Regardless of who you are. He LOVES you. He loves your flaws and every single thing that is you. That being said, would He want you to shame someone else for believing in Him in a different way than yourself? I tend to think not.
That being said. I will never be a part of the Mormon Church. Ever. The things that I experienced living in Utah have scarred me far too much to ever consider being a part of something like the Mormon church. So before you even think about converting me, handing me your book, or even mentioning your church, just know that I'm going to ignore you, or if it's on Facebook, I will delete your comment. I don't want to be any part of your church, just like you don't want any part of my religion. And you know what? That's okay. And also, all your posts about the church and all of your public announcements from church leaders? Yeah. I won't ever listen to them or read them. So don't even waste your time recommending it to me because it just flat out won't happen.
To those that are like me, know that believing in God is not a bad thing. Believing in whatever you want to believe in is not a bad thing. What becomes bad is when you force it down somebodies throat.
Please think before you start to shove your religion down somebodies throat- especially mine.
~Alyssa
(As a side note: I hope I made myself clear. There are some really, really great Utah Mormons out there. But the majority ruin it for the minority. And if y'all have never heard of my struggles then this probably doesn't apply to you.)
(If you want to read the rest of my essay, "A World of Hypocrisy" you can do so here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0Bzc2MzzgQerbbVYzWjE1RTZ3MU0/view?usp=sharing. For privacy reasons, names that were mentioned in the page were changed to random names generated from a random name generator.)
10/21/14
A Month From He**
I'm sorry for the vulgar title of this blog, but I have no other way of putting it. This month has been a month of tests, of tears and anger, and one that I will take time to recover from. So without further ado, I'll dive into the post and talk about what happened. As much as I'm ready to publicly talk about anyway.
So Let's start with the beginning of September. Jacob and I had been doing pretty well. We still hadn't had a single fight or argument really. We had our mutual disagreements, but we didn't battle over them. I had been feeling really down because I just had to convert over to the long distance relationship thing with a kid I was so in love with and I wasn't taking it very easy. It was a very difficult piece of food for me to chew and really digest. I was constantly sad, I became clingy and overly emotional. I became extremely jealous because of all his chick friends he had made, and how they hung out all the time, and I barely heard from him or saw him. And I mean, really? Who would want to date that? So I did the only thing I could think of, taking a break from talking to Jacob in the hopes that I would become less attached, and that things would bother me less. The break lasted not even a day, so it was counter-productive. I couldn't just not talk to him. I loved him far too much for that, and I was already weak to begin with. And then he decided he wanted a break. It was then I knew he was gone. He found someone else and was going to move on and I knew it, I just didn't want to accept it. His break lasted three days, and he texted me late the third night wanting to talk. He said he didn't know what he wanted to do, and wasn't sure about me, and I suggested breaking off our relationship. No it wasn't easy, but I knew it was coming, and I had braced for it. So, on September 9th, my feet spiraled out from under me, and our relationship came to a close. I was in a state of emotional trauma and emotional free-fall. The week following was no easier.
We decided to keep close, and just stay friends. It was rough for me because I can't look at him as anything less than the guy I love, and the guy who has my heart so completely. I don't know exact days of when the next event happened but I will do my best to recount them as best as my memory will allow.
Jacob and I were talking about our breakup, and I told him that I didn't want the breakup, and that I wanted him back. He told me, though we hadn't been broken up for more than a week (I believe this was 3 days later in fact), he had already moved on and found someone else. I was crushed. We didn't talk for a couple days. I was pretty mad, and hurt. I felt that he lied to me because he told me he didn't want to date for a while, but turned around and went back on his word. I probably shouldn't have been surprised but I was. We didn't talk for a while again. And when we finally started to talk again, we discussed our breakup and I found that it was all based on a bunch of miscommunication and misconceptions. But it changed nothing, because we went back to not talking.
It may seem that I wasn't fighting. But I was. I tried to arrange days for Jacob and I to talk about what had happened and about my feelings and things that I wanted to try and fix, but everytime Jacob cancelled or told me that he was firm on his decision in moving on. So it seemed absolutely pointless for me to even attempt trying to have a conversation with him. I would usually just get mad and stop talking to him.
I took a weekend "mental vacation" to Utah to visit with my parents to help my healing process. And it really did help me a lot. Jacob had agreed to have another talk with me, and my mom helped me to prepare for the talk. I knew that I needed to tell Jacob what I felt I had done wrong, and I needed answers about what he wanted from whatever was left of our relationship. I needed to tell him that I wanted him back and I was willing to do anything to get him back. When I got back to Texas, I was prepared for it, and I felt ready for it. But then, like the past two times we had tried to talk, he texted me and told me "I thought I should let you know, but I'm moving on." Just like that. I got really mad. I was so ready to talk to him, I had mentally rehearsed for it, and I was more ready this time than I had ever been before, and he's just going to drop that on me without even giving me a chance? Saying I was explosive is an understatement. I was so mad I drove up to Denton to retrieve a key to my apartment and my class ring rather than waiting for him to give them too me. I was tired of his games and of him using those as an excuse to keep me hanging around. I got my stuff and drove off before he could even say anything to me. I heard him start to say something, but I was gone before I could hear him say anything. We didn't talk for two weeks after that.
Those two weeks were the worst weeks of my life. The beginning was the hardest. I didn't know how to not talk to the kid, I hated not having him around to talk about my problems with, I hated the situation. I was trying to do things to keep my mind busy and to keep it off of him, but there were reminders of him everywhere I went. I was picking up groceries from the store and I reached into my purse and found a picture of him and lost it. I started crying my eyes out all over again. It started to get easier for me to feign happiness and to pretend everything was okay, but I cried myself to sleep every night, lost my appetite (I rarely ate anything, I've lost 15 pounds from that), and I was just depressed. I really was. And then, one day when I was sitting on my couch, bored and lonely as was usual, he texted me. Just a simple "Hey. I'm sorry we haven't talked in a while." I wasn't expecting it, it came out of the blue, but just that alone gave me hope.
He was going through some troubles of his own, and so we talked about them, in addition to our own issues. He decided to surprise me with a visit on October the 10th. It was just like old times. It started to rain really hard that night, so we went out to a parking lot and played in the rain. We wandered around Wal-Mart, and just had a lot of fun, just like we used to do. It felt good. I felt happy, normal, for the first time in weeks. I saw him the next day, and then he returned to Denton on Saturday. Saturday night, I didn't want to be lonely so I went up to Denton and visited. We were sitting and talking and then things went downhill once again. I won't get too far into the whole situation that ensued from this because it delves into a bit of Jacob's personal life, as well as a third party's. So let me briefly describe it.
A girl that I have always had an issue with trusting since the day Jacob told me about decided to come between Jacob and I again. She has her own boyfriend and was "just friends" with Jacob. When I went to Denton that Saturday night she got really mad that Jacob was hanging out with me and I honestly felt threatened. She told Jacob she wanted me to leave, and Jacob thought she was out in the
parking garage. Needless to say, I stayed the night at UNT and left the next morning. She told Jacob she was done and the cycle went back and fourth for the week. She eventually told Jacob that he had to choose between herself and me, which I thought was immature and ridiculous. What kind of friend would make another friend pick friends? I was very frustrated with her, especially with the stuff she kept saying to me. I got mad at her because she manipulated Jacob into telling me some very mean and hurtful things about me, in addition to other details I won't disclose. Wednesday night, Jacob called to tell me he was on the way because he needed someone. He told me that he chose me. I was expecting the opposite, and so was very surprised. The next day he went back on his word and chose the other girl. I cried, a lot. I didn't know whether to feel mad, sad, hurt, I just didn't know anything at all. I couldn't believe that he would turn his back on everything I had become. This other girl had called me "the clingiest girl she knew" and I believed her. It was all too much for me to take in. In a last ditch effort I sent Jacob an email describing my feelings about everything. Towards him, towards her, and also this:
I have so many people on my side in all of this and I cannot begin to thank you all for your support. I know a lot of you are probably thinking I'm a stupid girl, and maybe I am. I have let Jacob know that this is his final chance. He knows that the moment he messes it up, I am done. I was almost done when he told me he chose her. I love him now, as I'm sure I will for a very long time, if not forever. I'm ready to move forward. With God on my side, I know that that is possible. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression, I have pills I can take but I haven't taken them on the grounds that I feel better now. Happier. So please don't be too concerned about me on that front.
Again, thank you all for being there for me and being caring people. May God bless you in your lives as you have blessed me in mine.
~Alyssa
So Let's start with the beginning of September. Jacob and I had been doing pretty well. We still hadn't had a single fight or argument really. We had our mutual disagreements, but we didn't battle over them. I had been feeling really down because I just had to convert over to the long distance relationship thing with a kid I was so in love with and I wasn't taking it very easy. It was a very difficult piece of food for me to chew and really digest. I was constantly sad, I became clingy and overly emotional. I became extremely jealous because of all his chick friends he had made, and how they hung out all the time, and I barely heard from him or saw him. And I mean, really? Who would want to date that? So I did the only thing I could think of, taking a break from talking to Jacob in the hopes that I would become less attached, and that things would bother me less. The break lasted not even a day, so it was counter-productive. I couldn't just not talk to him. I loved him far too much for that, and I was already weak to begin with. And then he decided he wanted a break. It was then I knew he was gone. He found someone else and was going to move on and I knew it, I just didn't want to accept it. His break lasted three days, and he texted me late the third night wanting to talk. He said he didn't know what he wanted to do, and wasn't sure about me, and I suggested breaking off our relationship. No it wasn't easy, but I knew it was coming, and I had braced for it. So, on September 9th, my feet spiraled out from under me, and our relationship came to a close. I was in a state of emotional trauma and emotional free-fall. The week following was no easier.
We decided to keep close, and just stay friends. It was rough for me because I can't look at him as anything less than the guy I love, and the guy who has my heart so completely. I don't know exact days of when the next event happened but I will do my best to recount them as best as my memory will allow.
Jacob and I were talking about our breakup, and I told him that I didn't want the breakup, and that I wanted him back. He told me, though we hadn't been broken up for more than a week (I believe this was 3 days later in fact), he had already moved on and found someone else. I was crushed. We didn't talk for a couple days. I was pretty mad, and hurt. I felt that he lied to me because he told me he didn't want to date for a while, but turned around and went back on his word. I probably shouldn't have been surprised but I was. We didn't talk for a while again. And when we finally started to talk again, we discussed our breakup and I found that it was all based on a bunch of miscommunication and misconceptions. But it changed nothing, because we went back to not talking.
It may seem that I wasn't fighting. But I was. I tried to arrange days for Jacob and I to talk about what had happened and about my feelings and things that I wanted to try and fix, but everytime Jacob cancelled or told me that he was firm on his decision in moving on. So it seemed absolutely pointless for me to even attempt trying to have a conversation with him. I would usually just get mad and stop talking to him.
I took a weekend "mental vacation" to Utah to visit with my parents to help my healing process. And it really did help me a lot. Jacob had agreed to have another talk with me, and my mom helped me to prepare for the talk. I knew that I needed to tell Jacob what I felt I had done wrong, and I needed answers about what he wanted from whatever was left of our relationship. I needed to tell him that I wanted him back and I was willing to do anything to get him back. When I got back to Texas, I was prepared for it, and I felt ready for it. But then, like the past two times we had tried to talk, he texted me and told me "I thought I should let you know, but I'm moving on." Just like that. I got really mad. I was so ready to talk to him, I had mentally rehearsed for it, and I was more ready this time than I had ever been before, and he's just going to drop that on me without even giving me a chance? Saying I was explosive is an understatement. I was so mad I drove up to Denton to retrieve a key to my apartment and my class ring rather than waiting for him to give them too me. I was tired of his games and of him using those as an excuse to keep me hanging around. I got my stuff and drove off before he could even say anything to me. I heard him start to say something, but I was gone before I could hear him say anything. We didn't talk for two weeks after that.
Those two weeks were the worst weeks of my life. The beginning was the hardest. I didn't know how to not talk to the kid, I hated not having him around to talk about my problems with, I hated the situation. I was trying to do things to keep my mind busy and to keep it off of him, but there were reminders of him everywhere I went. I was picking up groceries from the store and I reached into my purse and found a picture of him and lost it. I started crying my eyes out all over again. It started to get easier for me to feign happiness and to pretend everything was okay, but I cried myself to sleep every night, lost my appetite (I rarely ate anything, I've lost 15 pounds from that), and I was just depressed. I really was. And then, one day when I was sitting on my couch, bored and lonely as was usual, he texted me. Just a simple "Hey. I'm sorry we haven't talked in a while." I wasn't expecting it, it came out of the blue, but just that alone gave me hope.
He was going through some troubles of his own, and so we talked about them, in addition to our own issues. He decided to surprise me with a visit on October the 10th. It was just like old times. It started to rain really hard that night, so we went out to a parking lot and played in the rain. We wandered around Wal-Mart, and just had a lot of fun, just like we used to do. It felt good. I felt happy, normal, for the first time in weeks. I saw him the next day, and then he returned to Denton on Saturday. Saturday night, I didn't want to be lonely so I went up to Denton and visited. We were sitting and talking and then things went downhill once again. I won't get too far into the whole situation that ensued from this because it delves into a bit of Jacob's personal life, as well as a third party's. So let me briefly describe it.
A girl that I have always had an issue with trusting since the day Jacob told me about decided to come between Jacob and I again. She has her own boyfriend and was "just friends" with Jacob. When I went to Denton that Saturday night she got really mad that Jacob was hanging out with me and I honestly felt threatened. She told Jacob she wanted me to leave, and Jacob thought she was out in the
parking garage. Needless to say, I stayed the night at UNT and left the next morning. She told Jacob she was done and the cycle went back and fourth for the week. She eventually told Jacob that he had to choose between herself and me, which I thought was immature and ridiculous. What kind of friend would make another friend pick friends? I was very frustrated with her, especially with the stuff she kept saying to me. I got mad at her because she manipulated Jacob into telling me some very mean and hurtful things about me, in addition to other details I won't disclose. Wednesday night, Jacob called to tell me he was on the way because he needed someone. He told me that he chose me. I was expecting the opposite, and so was very surprised. The next day he went back on his word and chose the other girl. I cried, a lot. I didn't know whether to feel mad, sad, hurt, I just didn't know anything at all. I couldn't believe that he would turn his back on everything I had become. This other girl had called me "the clingiest girl she knew" and I believed her. It was all too much for me to take in. In a last ditch effort I sent Jacob an email describing my feelings about everything. Towards him, towards her, and also this:
We were best of friends. We met almost a year ago to the day, when you decided to be a dumb ass and lay in a pile of ants. I came over there and we laid in the grass staring up at the stars casually chatting. Aaron teased us about not being alone together even then. From there, I found out that some kid named Jacob wanted to become my steam friend. I had no idea who he was. He started messaging me on there and I thought he was flirting with me, and then he got mad and told me to stop spreading rumors. Eventually I had the guts to give you my phone number and from there our friendship flourished. We started running our random trips to Barnes and Noble, as a matter of fact, that was my first encounter alone with you, one of those trips. Then you were being all weird with not letting me choose the song on your phone to play on your radio, and driving me all over the state of Texas in order to delay for my surprise birthday party from, which we ended up bailing from to go have fun with our other activities. A month passed and I fell for you. Another month passed and we had our first kiss together (in your garage, if you didn't remember that detail). And the months started flying by. We experienced so many things together that I otherwise would not have experienced. You helped me to learn the streets of Midlothian and helped me to get in better touch with God. You introduced me to your wonderful family. I met your goofy ass dad, and your adorable mom, and your brother who reminds me of your dad with his goofy randomness. We shared favorite songs, favorite books, favorite movies. I met your crazy Aunt and Uncle, and my life was forever changed.It was just a simple recount of our past. A quick one, but a piece of our past nonetheless. That alone was enough to make him rethink everything. And he did. He told both the other girl and I that he needed time to think through it and that he needed to talk to somebody about it. In the end he chose me. Yes, we are still having a few issues with the things that happened, as I'm sure anybody would. I'm having troubles trusting him, and he knows that. The other girl came around and told me that she wanted us to get together again and date. And I am happy to say that we are. We realized that we can't stop loving each other, and even through it all I still love him as much as we did before all of this transpired. I will be able to trust him again in time, but for now, this is just an roadblock that we need to work through.
I have so many people on my side in all of this and I cannot begin to thank you all for your support. I know a lot of you are probably thinking I'm a stupid girl, and maybe I am. I have let Jacob know that this is his final chance. He knows that the moment he messes it up, I am done. I was almost done when he told me he chose her. I love him now, as I'm sure I will for a very long time, if not forever. I'm ready to move forward. With God on my side, I know that that is possible. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression, I have pills I can take but I haven't taken them on the grounds that I feel better now. Happier. So please don't be too concerned about me on that front.
Again, thank you all for being there for me and being caring people. May God bless you in your lives as you have blessed me in mine.
~Alyssa
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