I had been intending to update you people on my life but, let me just say, life happened. Oh life happened hard my friends. I really feel like this blog is more of my personal coping mechanism than anything else, but I still think keeping people updated is a good thing too. So here we go...
Jacob broke up with me.
Yup. That happened. And it's a thing. Why is still a question that is unanswered, but the answer I got was an answer enough. Things had been kind of rough between us, but they were getting better. We were laughing instead of fighting, and we were just doing better in general and then, not even a full 3 days after our last date (which was a lot of fun, by the way) he dropped the bomb. That was on the 27th of May. He told me the whole "it's not you, it's me" spiel (basically), and told me that he had to find himself. That's a really admirable thing to say when you break up with someone, and no I'm not being sarcastic when I say that. Knowing that you have lost yourself and who you are and knowing that you need to break it off with your S.O. takes guts. Regardless, I knew that wasn't it. I knew he was going through some extremely hard and messy things himself, but I knew that wasn't the real reason. He eventually told me, and it was because he just didn't love me anymore, and he hadn't for a while. And you know what? Even though that still isn't an answer to me, it's better than what I had before, and it's the honest truth. It was enough of an answer for me to move on, well that, among other things helped.
I learned, shortly after we broke up, that he had his ex come over to his place. No, I didn't ask if he was seeing her, it was just happenstance that I found out. Now if that was just seeing her as a friend or seeing her as lover is a different story and a story that is being left a mystery. Maybe he does love her, but it doesn't matter because he doesn't love me and his love life shouldn't worry me. But I'm a girl, so naturally, it does. However, I'm keeping my inner girl at bay and resisting the urge to ask him that, more on this later. I had also heard that he was victimizing himself in all of this, and maybe he was the victim and maybe he wasn't, that is something that is definitely of an opinion to the beholder (because I think I'm the true victim here) but, again, it really doesn't matter who was or was not the victim. Honestly, we were both probably at fault. I am here to just rant and give my side of things.
I really truly don't know if it was me that messed us up or not. I was being really hard on him because he wasn't reaching the goals that he wanted to reach, and definitely not the goals that I wanted him to reach. And when I say being really hard on him, I mean being REALLY hard on him. It got so bad I didn't even know if I wanted to stay with him. On the other hand, he was riding me really hard about some things too. One of them was my weight, which I knew was bad. I just didn't know where to squeeze in the time for gym without cutting hours at work and without cutting class time. Yeah it's an excuse, but those are two of the biggest things in my life, so they don't seem like excuses to me. And once school let out, I did start working on them. Maybe he saw that I was working on it and maybe he didn't, again it didn't matter because he had already decided that he didn't love me anymore.
I think that I have gotten through the grief of losing him. Finally. We had broken up before and I was basically permanently stuck in the grieving phase. We got back together and that was what basically snapped me out of it. This time around, I was so scared of being like that, that after learning he had gotten back with his ex, I told myself that he did not deserve another tear out of me. The funny fact is that I still cried, but I can count on my fingers the number of times that I cried over him. I then moved into the stage where food didn't taste the same, and where I had felt physically sick over the thought of food. I still ate, but it definitely wasn't the amounts that I had usually ate.
Now I'm in the stage where I'm reinventing the s****y relationship that we had into one that was all daisies and roses. I cannot, for the life of me, remember the bad stuff that happened, but I remember all the good things. I'm reading a book called "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and it actually pointed this out to me. It's called Relationship Revisionist Disorder, it's weird to think that something that seems so natural has a name. Then again, just about every feeling nowadays has a name right?
I'm also questioning everything. When I was packing up his stuff to give to him, I ran into the card that he had given me for our anniversary, and his signature read (and I quote), "Here's to many more! I love you Alyssa! Happy Anniversary! Love, Jacob." Now, he tells me that he didn't love me for a good 4-6 months. Our anniversary was April 1st, and no that is not a joke. That was roughly 2 months ago. So did he really love me? I don't know, and I don't really need to know. But my mind still wants to know, even though my conscious tells it otherwise. Some other things I wonder include: Okay, what is he doing now? Is he back in a relationship with his ex? Does he miss me? Does he care about me? What is he doing now? Does he ever think of me? Does he want to talk to me as bad as I want to talk to him? My mind is just full of questions. About him. About what we had. About why this happened. But I'm really starting to grasp the concept of, "he doesn't love you anymore so it really doesn't matter."
I'm also starting to grasp the fact that now is the time to work on ME. And for right now, the world does revolve around me (at least in my eyes). Now is the perfect time to get myself back on track for the next mister right, because the only commitment that I have to a living being is my cat. And I have been working on just that. I've been eating slightly better, exercising (in fact, I have a gym membership now, and said gym has a pool, and if you know me, you know that pool = permanently water-logged Alyssa), slowly losing weight, I got my hair done, and I even cut it and colored it slightly differently. I am working to climb my way out of my crappy hole that I put myself in emotionally, and I think it's working. I started class last week, and I already have a group of friends, which one of my friends dubbed "Alyssa's group." As a side note, I didn't even know her name when she named it that.
One question a lot of my friends have asked is what I would do if he came back around to me. And the truth is, I don't think I could take him back. If I hadn't known that he went back with his ex, then I definitely would take him back. But I made a promise to myself when we got back together after being broken apart the first time, that if this happened again, I wouldn't get back with him. I gave him his redemption once, and I cannot let myself become a rug that gets trampled on. No matter how much I loved him, and no matter how much I WANT to take him back, I just think that it would happen again. And it would be stupid of me to let myself get walked over because I deserve better than that, and I know I do. If he came back in a month, or even within the next year, I wouldn't take him back. He DOES need to find himself, just like he said he did. And he needs to come to the realization that maybe what he had was good. In a year or two down the road, who knows! Ideally, we both find someone better than each other, and this question/problem isn't really even a question or a problem. But is this world ideal? Not really, at least not with the messy situations that life throws at us.
So yes, this crap does suck. And f**k yes I miss being in a relationship. The hand holds, the kisses, the cuddles, even just having someone to text all day everyday, that's what I miss. The thing I don't miss is him. No matter how good a person he is, and believe me, he still is a good person (just maybe not to me at this particular moment), the fact of the matter is HE dumped ME. Just like that, two years and two months of relationship were dumped down the toilet. But I keep telling myself it's for the better, because I truly believe that there is someone out there who is just dying to give me their love and to let me love them. I just never gave them the chance because I was committed to Jacob. Which at the time was okay, but now it is time to move on.
All of this being said, am I mad? Yes. Am I sad? You betcha. But guess what? Things are getting better and my life IS moving forward despite what I thought clear back on the 27th. I am becoming the new shiney me that I so deserve to be. And even in spite of all of this, I still wish Jacob the best. Because as I said earlier, he is still a good person, even though my conscious doesn't think he is at the moment. Things just sucked between us, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about that no matter how good of a person you are or they are.
To all my readers out there going through a breakup, I hope that you can find the same peace and freedom that I have found and move on with your life. You are all stellar people and deserve to move on. If you need some motivation, I really recommend the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." It isn't one of those stupid breakup books, it really is useful and it doesn't make you feel bad about yourself or your situation. Not only is it chock full of great advice, it also happens to be hilarious.
Looking forward to better days,
Alyssa
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