So I haven't posted in a while, and that's simply because I didn't know what I wanted this blog to be. I didn't know if I wanted to continue sharing some insight into my life or if I wanted to take a new direction on things and do something new. And I kind of want to do both with this post, mainly to update the blog, and mainly so that I can update everyone on my life since school and work seem to take up more of my time than I would like.
I'll give a really brief update, since life between now and the last update has changed significantly. My life got really turbulent this time last year. I had a lot of drama and things go on and that forced me to lose a lot of the friends that I thought had my back. On the bright side, that forced me to make new friends and rekindle some of the friendships that I had lost. New friends meant new opportunities, and I eventually made a friend and that friendship turned into a new relationship. There were plenty of speed bumps on that route, but I've all but put those speed bumps in my rear view mirror, and I'm trudging on.
But now, life is taking more turns than I thought possible. I'm in my senior year of college, and my graduation application was accepted so I'll be graduating in the Spring semester. Graduation is so close that I can smell it and it's glorious. But at the same time, it's weird conceptualizing the fact that I'm going to be a full time worker now, and that I won't have to be in school anymore. I'm testing out a position right now at work, that will be for a potential full time position, making sure that I'm a good fit for the job and that I'm going to do as well as my boss, the department I work for, and the department that I'm going to working under think I will do. I'm not going to lie, doing a full time job with part time hours is rough. Not physically but mentally and I've been learning lesson after lesson, and so the real purpose of this post is to talk about these lessons, if for nothing else than for future Alyssa to remember the lessons. The main lesson that I'm focusing on is taking care of yourself.
So school has been crazy. Like I mentioned, it's my senior year which means projects. All the projects forever. I'm in five classes, and I'm still working. I'm sure that anyone who has already learned the lesson that I keep eluding to has already figured out what said lesson is on, and that's feeling burned out.
I found that I was becoming less and less effective and productive, both at work and in school. When I was at work, I found that I was getting distracted and finding new ways to just burn time and avoid doing what I really should have been working on in the first place. I think my boss caught onto it too, and she tried to hint that to me in a roundabout sort of way. One night, as I was procrastinating all my time away on Facebook, I decided to do some research on feeling burnt out. I was astounded. So many people, so many CEO's even, had posts talking about their experiences on feeling burnt out. I thought that I was invincible, that I could avoid feeling burnt out by just forcing my brain to work. I couldn't fathom the idea that feeling burnt out was as common as it was, so I decided to talk to one of the biggest role models in my life, my boss.
My boss is the type of person that takes on all the tasks that everyone seems to loathe, and thus, avoid. She doesn't really ever complain about the tasks that she hates, even though nearly everyone else (myself included) does. If I'm honest, she even has a way of motivating you to like doing the task that you don't want to do. Needless to say, I kind of idolize her for her ability to just sit down and get all those awful tasks done. So I really valued her input. And you know what she told me? That even she gets burnt out. And with this knowledge I knew that no one was immune to this thing. That everyone needed breaks. I told her how I was feeling and some of the things that I was experiencing and she told me that she often starts to feel the same.
So what have I learned? That breaks and leave are necessary. Completely necessary. They are necessary for you to just stay sane. At the recommendation of my boss, I'm taking a little mental vacay tomorrow and I'm excited to try it out. I'm excited about the fact that I have the opportunity to binge watch Netflix, play some new games, and read my book that I've been working on reading all semester. The next lesson that I have to learn is that I need to take time for me and take care of myself, and part of that means leaving work at work and outside stressors, outside. I need to focus on escaping from the world when I'm home, and tackling the world when I'm out in it. I'm anxious about not doing any school work, or even work at my job. I fear that I'm going to get behind, but every time I think that, I just remind myself that it is necessary, and that I do need this. At least, I need it if I want to be productive and effective.
10/26/17
4/17/17
Rising, Rising
I have been wanting to write a blog post for a while, but didn't know what I wanted to write about. I just knew I needed to write about something. Nothing dramatic has been happening really, but it seems like 2017 is leaps and bounds better than 2016 was for me.
Since my last post, I've done a lot of soul searching. I lost a lot of who I wanted to be in my last relationship. I forgot what I wanted out of life and was so focused on reviving a relationship that was already on life support that I forgot about me. Once I was out of that relationship I had a lot of time to myself, and a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to set goals to meet and really just focus on me without having to worry about a relationship. At first it was awful, and all I wanted was to find someone to rebound off of, but I told myself that was wrong. What I really needed to love myself.
It's really odd and hard to grasp, the concept of loving yourself. I went through a bout of some really low points, probably a few months. But I kind of just got tired of being sad and I knew I had to snap out of it. But I never really realized how much power our brains hold, it was just a matter of me telling myself that I wanted to be happy, and truly really believing that before I was able to pull myself out of my low points. Every morning I'd find 3 positive aspects of life and focus on those when I started to feel sad. It was when I pulled myself out of my sadness that I really realized I didn't love myself.
I tore myself apart. I was my biggest enemy. I no longer had another person to love me, I was all I had. I would look in the mirror and notice my stretch marks, my big belly and scars and acne and just got really self conscious, for absolutely no reason! I noticed that a big source of negativity in my life was myself, more specifically the ways that I was treating myself. I made a goal to become a healthier Alyssa. And I've been doing just that. I've lost about 25 pounds as a result, and still losing more. I've made it a point to go to the gym and get with doctors for various oddities that I should have had looked at forever ago. Honestly, I am still very overweight, but just doing the little that I have has allowed me to find love in myself. I'm a strong independent woman, don't need no man. ;)
I was able to find so many new friends, especially since the friends I had really stabbed me in the back. And honestly I'm grateful they did because I was able to fill that emptiness with better people. As a result, I actually have things to do on Friday nights for a change, and now I have found a guy that I'm highly interested in and we've been talking a lot. The more I think about it the more I think that this post should be titled "Falling, Falling." I was really hesitant to let myself begin my descent, and also to even get into another relationship. Chief among my worries was that it was just too soon and that I wasn't ready. I took a day and went for a 2 hour, (200 mile drive) and took a one hour swim to really think things through in my mind and figure out what I wanted to do. I'm not a girl who likes to play games or toy with hearts. Needless to say, I'm definitely falling, and after my me time I decided that I was ready for this, but we'll just have to see where that road leads me, if anywhere. Still kind of too soon to tell, you know?
Needless to say, life is looking up for me. I've been cutting out all the negativity from my life and filling it with as much positivity as I possibly can. I've lost a lot of people I thought were friends as a result but I think that it will be for the better. I've started doing things that make me happy, like learning all I can about the weather and really getting into storm chasing. I've been coloring, embracing my creativity, and also playing my guitar a lot more. I've gotten back into gaming a little bit, just where I can with school and everything else that I have going on. I'm just grateful that things are looking up, it's weird to think about how things were for me a year ago today, and how much better they are now.
Through everything that 2016 had thrown at me, I think the biggest thing I've learned is that you are the driver of your happiness. You'll only be happy if you want to be happy. And it takes a lot of strength mentally and emotionally to get there, but if you want it, really truly want it, you'll get there. Despite how awful that year was, I'm grateful for all the lessons it provided me with, and I feel like things happened for just that reason. Here's to a brighter future!
~Alyssa
Since my last post, I've done a lot of soul searching. I lost a lot of who I wanted to be in my last relationship. I forgot what I wanted out of life and was so focused on reviving a relationship that was already on life support that I forgot about me. Once I was out of that relationship I had a lot of time to myself, and a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to set goals to meet and really just focus on me without having to worry about a relationship. At first it was awful, and all I wanted was to find someone to rebound off of, but I told myself that was wrong. What I really needed to love myself.
It's really odd and hard to grasp, the concept of loving yourself. I went through a bout of some really low points, probably a few months. But I kind of just got tired of being sad and I knew I had to snap out of it. But I never really realized how much power our brains hold, it was just a matter of me telling myself that I wanted to be happy, and truly really believing that before I was able to pull myself out of my low points. Every morning I'd find 3 positive aspects of life and focus on those when I started to feel sad. It was when I pulled myself out of my sadness that I really realized I didn't love myself.
I tore myself apart. I was my biggest enemy. I no longer had another person to love me, I was all I had. I would look in the mirror and notice my stretch marks, my big belly and scars and acne and just got really self conscious, for absolutely no reason! I noticed that a big source of negativity in my life was myself, more specifically the ways that I was treating myself. I made a goal to become a healthier Alyssa. And I've been doing just that. I've lost about 25 pounds as a result, and still losing more. I've made it a point to go to the gym and get with doctors for various oddities that I should have had looked at forever ago. Honestly, I am still very overweight, but just doing the little that I have has allowed me to find love in myself. I'm a strong independent woman, don't need no man. ;)
I was able to find so many new friends, especially since the friends I had really stabbed me in the back. And honestly I'm grateful they did because I was able to fill that emptiness with better people. As a result, I actually have things to do on Friday nights for a change, and now I have found a guy that I'm highly interested in and we've been talking a lot. The more I think about it the more I think that this post should be titled "Falling, Falling." I was really hesitant to let myself begin my descent, and also to even get into another relationship. Chief among my worries was that it was just too soon and that I wasn't ready. I took a day and went for a 2 hour, (200 mile drive) and took a one hour swim to really think things through in my mind and figure out what I wanted to do. I'm not a girl who likes to play games or toy with hearts. Needless to say, I'm definitely falling, and after my me time I decided that I was ready for this, but we'll just have to see where that road leads me, if anywhere. Still kind of too soon to tell, you know?
Needless to say, life is looking up for me. I've been cutting out all the negativity from my life and filling it with as much positivity as I possibly can. I've lost a lot of people I thought were friends as a result but I think that it will be for the better. I've started doing things that make me happy, like learning all I can about the weather and really getting into storm chasing. I've been coloring, embracing my creativity, and also playing my guitar a lot more. I've gotten back into gaming a little bit, just where I can with school and everything else that I have going on. I'm just grateful that things are looking up, it's weird to think about how things were for me a year ago today, and how much better they are now.
Through everything that 2016 had thrown at me, I think the biggest thing I've learned is that you are the driver of your happiness. You'll only be happy if you want to be happy. And it takes a lot of strength mentally and emotionally to get there, but if you want it, really truly want it, you'll get there. Despite how awful that year was, I'm grateful for all the lessons it provided me with, and I feel like things happened for just that reason. Here's to a brighter future!
~Alyssa
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