Rising, Rising

I have been wanting to write a blog post for a while, but didn't know what I wanted to write about. I just knew I needed to write about something. Nothing dramatic has been happening really, but it seems like 2017 is leaps and bounds better than 2016 was for me.

Since my last post, I've done a lot of soul searching. I lost a lot of who I wanted to be in my last relationship. I forgot what I wanted out of life and was so focused on reviving a relationship that was already on life support that I forgot about me. Once I was out of that relationship I had a lot of time to myself, and a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to set goals to meet and really just focus on me without having to worry about a relationship. At first it was awful, and all I wanted was to find someone to rebound off of, but I told myself that was wrong. What I really needed to love myself.

It's really odd and hard to grasp, the concept of loving yourself. I went through a bout of some really low points, probably a few months. But I kind of just got tired of being sad and I knew I had to snap out of it. But I never really realized how much power our brains hold, it was just a matter of me telling myself that I wanted to be happy, and truly really believing that before I was able to pull myself out of my low points. Every morning I'd find 3 positive aspects of life and focus on those when I started to feel sad. It was when I pulled myself out of my sadness that I really realized I didn't love myself.

I tore myself apart. I was my biggest enemy. I no longer had another person to love me, I was all I had. I would look in the mirror and notice my stretch marks, my big belly and scars and acne and just got really self conscious, for absolutely no reason! I noticed that a big source of negativity in my life was myself, more specifically the ways that I was treating myself. I made a goal to become a healthier Alyssa. And I've been doing just that. I've lost about 25 pounds as a result, and still losing more. I've made it a point to go to the gym and get with doctors for various oddities that I should have had looked at forever ago. Honestly, I am still very overweight, but just doing the little that I have has allowed me to find love in myself. I'm a strong independent woman, don't need no man. ;)

I was able to find so many new friends, especially since the friends I had really stabbed me in the back. And honestly I'm grateful they did because I was able to fill that emptiness with better people. As a result, I actually have things to do on Friday nights for a change, and now I have found a guy that I'm highly interested in and we've been talking a lot. The more I think about it the more I think that this post should be titled "Falling, Falling." I was really hesitant to let myself begin my descent, and also to even get into another relationship. Chief among my worries was that it was just too soon and that I wasn't ready. I took a day and went for a 2 hour, (200 mile drive) and took a one hour swim to really think things through in my mind and figure out what I wanted to do. I'm not a girl who likes to play games or toy with hearts. Needless to say, I'm definitely falling, and after my me time I decided that I was ready for this, but we'll just have to see where that road leads me, if anywhere. Still kind of too soon to tell, you know?

Needless to say, life is looking up for me. I've been cutting out all the negativity from my life and filling it with as much positivity as I possibly can. I've lost a lot of people I thought were friends as a result but I think that it will be for the better. I've started doing things that make me happy, like learning all I can about the weather and really getting into storm chasing. I've been coloring, embracing my creativity, and also playing my guitar a lot more. I've gotten back into gaming a little bit, just where I can with school and everything else that I have going on. I'm just grateful that things are looking up, it's weird to think about how things were for me a year ago today, and how much better they are now.

Through everything that 2016 had thrown at me, I think the biggest thing I've learned is that you are the driver of your happiness. You'll only be happy if you want to be happy. And it takes a lot of strength mentally and emotionally to get there, but if you want it, really truly want it, you'll get there. Despite how awful that year was, I'm grateful for all the lessons it provided me with, and I feel like things happened for just that reason. Here's to a brighter future!

~Alyssa