I know I promised that I'd be done with sob stories, but I have more. Bear with me?
So, this week, I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat anything, has sucked. I've done my best to keep my emotions bottled up and hidden from everybody, but there's only so much I can do before that strength gives out.
Last Friday, I screwed up something big time, and it was something that I knew I needed to talk to Patrick about. I kept it hidden all the way up until Monday out of fear of what would happen. It was like my worst nightmare coming true. Not only was he (understandably) really upset, but he was really mad at me too. That shook me to my roots. I feel terrible knowing what I did to him, but I know too that even if our something-more-than-friendship-but-not-a-relationship thing doesn't last because of this very reason, that I did everything I could. I told him the truth about what happened, and I didn't hid it from him. I told him not even a week after it happened. I apologized in the most sincere way that I could. And I have already made amends to alter my future. We may not have been in an official relationship, buy my feelings for Patrick are strong, and I'm not going to let him out of my life, not without my best fight.
That whole fight that we had really tore me down inside. I only really let it show for one day, and then bottled my emotions up again, and painted a smile on my face. But deep inside, I just felt like some sort of monster. I have never hurt anyone like that, and even as I write this now, I still feel terrible. We have started talking again, and that helps a little bit, but he doesn't want to talk about it. And I won't bring it up again unless he is willing to listen to what I have to say, or wants to know something. I would give anything to say I'm sorry again, but I know that he doesn't want the subject brought up again, and so I won't. What I've said is word enough, and I just need to let it go.
The rest of my week from Wednesday on out was just kind of, well, not great but not terrible either. I tried to maintain a positive attitude, but sometimes it's just hard to see the positive in a situation given all the terrible things that you've been going through. Thursday was pretty much a normal day, not great, not terrible, but usually right about where it's supposed to be. I am so grateful to have so many wonderful friends that I can talk to for advice and support, even though I was really upset that they were trying to justify something that I had done wrong, I am blessed beyond belief. Y'all are great, and I can't ever say that enough. If you guys ever need anything, well, you have my digits, and you know where I'm usually at.
And then Friday happened. In my English class, there's a little group of six of us who have formed our own little friend group. We had planned on getting together to go see the movie "Thor" and to go to one of their houses for a bon fire after the movie. The movie was great, and the fire was really quite toasty. We played games in the dark, launched glow sticks into the night time sky, roasted hot dogs and s'mores. It was a really good day. And my phone would not stop going off, and by the time I got home, it had literally vibrated so much it died. When I finally turned it on, it had over 30 text messages from my little friend group in English- and one from my mom.
Let me backtrack for a bit. My Grandma Muffin has been in a constant battle to simply get healthy again. She originally went into the hospital about a year ago with a bad case of E-Coli. And then she picked up something called C-Diff while recovering from the E-Coli. My grandma fought and fought, the C-Diff kept knocking her down and she kept going in and out of the hospital for a little over a year. But she was a fighter. She kept cracking her jokes, and she always had a smile on her face. I went to visit her as often as I could for that year, and it just became habit to visit her nearly every Sunday. I would get yelled at for not bringing my dog with me sometimes, but I enjoyed being around her. Her smile was infectious, and her jokes and sassy attitude absolutely priceless. And then she got sick again, this happened a little under two weeks ago. She went back into the hospital, and they had to do surgery on her. And for a while, I thought that she had kicked whatever she had in the butt again, and was on the road to recovery; All the tubes making their way into her body had long since been removed, and she was out of ICU. And then I read my mom's text. and my little world had again turned upside down.
My mom's text had basically read that my grandma had had a rough night but that she was stabilized. And then a little over five hours later, my mom had again texted me and let me know that she and her siblings had collectively decided to remove all life support from her body, and my grandma was set to pass away soon. And then, God took her into his realm, and she had slipped from this life into the next life peacefully.
I'm so pained here, 2500 miles away, knowing that I can't be around my grieving family, or to say goodbye to the woman I knew as my grandma. I feel even worse that I can't even remember when I had made my last phone call to her, but I know that she will forever remain with me, both in my heart and spiritually. And now I know that the simplicity of talking to her just got even simpler, now I don't even have to pick up the telephone to talk to her. I am still upset that I won't be able to attend her graveside service, and I'll miss it by mere days. I'll be back in Utah on Saturday. I would give anything, anything to make it there but I know I won't be able to see her off. And I've accepted it. I'm happy to know that my grandma is no longer in her disease and illness riddled body and that she is up with the most elite group of Heaven's Angels. I know that she's probably really upset with me too, now that I'm crying as much as I am over her. I feel warmth surrounding my body, and there are times when I feel so comforted, and I know that this could only be because of her influence. I'll miss my Grandma Muffin so very much, but you were not mine nor anyone else's to keep. I know that you are finally at peace, and free to move, able to tame your hair that I know you wish you had been able to tame while here on earth.
I'll miss your smile, your sass, your advice, and uplifting ways. I'll miss you so much Grandma, so very very much. I dedicate this journal entry to you, though what good that does is beyond me. I will relish our memories forever, and I will visit your grave when I come to Utah. I promise. Until I see you again, rest in paradise Grandma Huffman, or as I called you, Grandma Muffin.
~Alyssa
11/17/13
11/4/13
Just One Last Time
So, I know my last post was a bit on the sad side, and this one will have a touch of sadness, but for the most part, it will be full of happiness. Who doesn't like that?
After writing my last post, I realized that the whole being upset over the college thing is a little ridiculous, because I know there are alternatives. But I think it was just kind of an initial shock that my options were more limited than I would have liked for them to be. My coach always told me this analogy and I guess I'll share it with you. Imagine how your mom sees your room when she starts getting after you to clean it up, laundry everywhere, cups of moldy beverages, maybe even some lost homework buried underneath it all. You go to start cleaning it and you'll probably do one of two things. If you look at your room and how messy it is as a whole, it seems like an impossible, overwhelming task. You know that you won't ever get it done, or that it will take you a long time. I think that's the pessimistic way of looking at things, and that's what I was doing with the college thing. I took in the situation as a whole. Now, think of it this way, you have to start somewhere. Whether it's a sock, a cup, or scrap piece of paper, you've got to pick something up. And one sock after another, you realize that you're almost done. This is the more optimistic way of thinking, and what I should have done. I should have just researched my alternatives and accept that maybe for once, I might have to settle for less. After all, at least I have the chance to go to college, right?
Halloween came around, and for some reason, something about it just wasn't the same as it usually is. I just didn't feel the same Halloween spirit that I usually do. I can't put my finger on what exactly was so different, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to. But nevertheless, I still had a wonderful Halloween. The past week we've been writing and working on a big report in College English, and it was due on Halloween. Well, if we dressed up for Halloween as a character from a Creepy Circus (the theme of our report) we were promised extra credit. So for school, I dressed up as a porcelain doll, and I had fun getting ready. I wore curly pigtails on my head, foundation that was a few shades too light, and bright red lipstick. Once I came home, I went trick or treating with Jenna and her friends and dressed as a zombie for that. I had tons of fun getting dressed and ready.
Today I gave blood for my very first time, and I'm not going to lie, going in I was very nervous about the whole procedure. I don't know why, maybe because I'd never had blood drawn, or maybe that something would be wrong with my blood and I couldn't donate. I'm just not sure. Well, after the whole experience, I am for sure going to do it again. Knowing that I made a difference for at least three people's lives, it makes me feel like I've made a mark on the world. And that feeling, it's indescribable, and I love it. I didn't get light headed, dizzy, and I didn't pass out either. Seeing the needle go in my arm didn't hurt, as a matter of fact, it hurt more getting my finger pricked to check my iron levels than the needle did the three times they had tried to get it in my vein.
And for my last little part of this entry. So I know this guy, and have known him since eighth grade. That's quite a bit of time. at one point in time, I started crushing on him, but I realized that the feeling wasn't mutual and moved on with my life and accepted the fact that we'll probably be nothing more than best friends. Our friendship wasn't perfect, but it was pretty d**n close to it. We had our fights, we had our laughs, we shared our tears and our hardships. He's been there for me through thick and thin, and to this day, I trust him for everything I'm worth, and I hope that the same could be said of me. While I don't have a crush on him anymore (obviously), he is my very best friend, and I care for him very much. There were those summers that he went off to camp, and the only way we had communication with each other was via letter writing. That hurt, a lot, because the convenience of a telephone was something that I had grown accustomed to. I remember the way I felt when we would hang out the night before he left, and then when he finally did leave, I just felt an empty hole in my heart because I knew that while my best friend would still be there for me from a distance, it just wasn't the same. Well, last night this friend and I had our very last Skype call for two years since he'll be serving a mission in Calgary, Canada. This friend's name, you're asking? His name is Jake. Now, while I'll miss Jake for my own selfish reasons, I'm so very happy for him and his decision to serve his church. I sincerely hope that those Canadians see all the wonderful qualities in Jake that I see in him. Jake, I'll miss you terribly, not that I already did, but still. I'll see you in two kid! Good luck, Elder Law! You'll be an extraordinary missionary, and that I have no doubt about.
That's all I have guys, I hope life stays well for you all!
~Alyssa
After writing my last post, I realized that the whole being upset over the college thing is a little ridiculous, because I know there are alternatives. But I think it was just kind of an initial shock that my options were more limited than I would have liked for them to be. My coach always told me this analogy and I guess I'll share it with you. Imagine how your mom sees your room when she starts getting after you to clean it up, laundry everywhere, cups of moldy beverages, maybe even some lost homework buried underneath it all. You go to start cleaning it and you'll probably do one of two things. If you look at your room and how messy it is as a whole, it seems like an impossible, overwhelming task. You know that you won't ever get it done, or that it will take you a long time. I think that's the pessimistic way of looking at things, and that's what I was doing with the college thing. I took in the situation as a whole. Now, think of it this way, you have to start somewhere. Whether it's a sock, a cup, or scrap piece of paper, you've got to pick something up. And one sock after another, you realize that you're almost done. This is the more optimistic way of thinking, and what I should have done. I should have just researched my alternatives and accept that maybe for once, I might have to settle for less. After all, at least I have the chance to go to college, right?
Halloween came around, and for some reason, something about it just wasn't the same as it usually is. I just didn't feel the same Halloween spirit that I usually do. I can't put my finger on what exactly was so different, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to. But nevertheless, I still had a wonderful Halloween. The past week we've been writing and working on a big report in College English, and it was due on Halloween. Well, if we dressed up for Halloween as a character from a Creepy Circus (the theme of our report) we were promised extra credit. So for school, I dressed up as a porcelain doll, and I had fun getting ready. I wore curly pigtails on my head, foundation that was a few shades too light, and bright red lipstick. Once I came home, I went trick or treating with Jenna and her friends and dressed as a zombie for that. I had tons of fun getting dressed and ready.
Today I gave blood for my very first time, and I'm not going to lie, going in I was very nervous about the whole procedure. I don't know why, maybe because I'd never had blood drawn, or maybe that something would be wrong with my blood and I couldn't donate. I'm just not sure. Well, after the whole experience, I am for sure going to do it again. Knowing that I made a difference for at least three people's lives, it makes me feel like I've made a mark on the world. And that feeling, it's indescribable, and I love it. I didn't get light headed, dizzy, and I didn't pass out either. Seeing the needle go in my arm didn't hurt, as a matter of fact, it hurt more getting my finger pricked to check my iron levels than the needle did the three times they had tried to get it in my vein.
And for my last little part of this entry. So I know this guy, and have known him since eighth grade. That's quite a bit of time. at one point in time, I started crushing on him, but I realized that the feeling wasn't mutual and moved on with my life and accepted the fact that we'll probably be nothing more than best friends. Our friendship wasn't perfect, but it was pretty d**n close to it. We had our fights, we had our laughs, we shared our tears and our hardships. He's been there for me through thick and thin, and to this day, I trust him for everything I'm worth, and I hope that the same could be said of me. While I don't have a crush on him anymore (obviously), he is my very best friend, and I care for him very much. There were those summers that he went off to camp, and the only way we had communication with each other was via letter writing. That hurt, a lot, because the convenience of a telephone was something that I had grown accustomed to. I remember the way I felt when we would hang out the night before he left, and then when he finally did leave, I just felt an empty hole in my heart because I knew that while my best friend would still be there for me from a distance, it just wasn't the same. Well, last night this friend and I had our very last Skype call for two years since he'll be serving a mission in Calgary, Canada. This friend's name, you're asking? His name is Jake. Now, while I'll miss Jake for my own selfish reasons, I'm so very happy for him and his decision to serve his church. I sincerely hope that those Canadians see all the wonderful qualities in Jake that I see in him. Jake, I'll miss you terribly, not that I already did, but still. I'll see you in two kid! Good luck, Elder Law! You'll be an extraordinary missionary, and that I have no doubt about.
That's all I have guys, I hope life stays well for you all!
~Alyssa
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