So Let's start with the beginning of September. Jacob and I had been doing pretty well. We still hadn't had a single fight or argument really. We had our mutual disagreements, but we didn't battle over them. I had been feeling really down because I just had to convert over to the long distance relationship thing with a kid I was so in love with and I wasn't taking it very easy. It was a very difficult piece of food for me to chew and really digest. I was constantly sad, I became clingy and overly emotional. I became extremely jealous because of all his chick friends he had made, and how they hung out all the time, and I barely heard from him or saw him. And I mean, really? Who would want to date that? So I did the only thing I could think of, taking a break from talking to Jacob in the hopes that I would become less attached, and that things would bother me less. The break lasted not even a day, so it was counter-productive. I couldn't just not talk to him. I loved him far too much for that, and I was already weak to begin with. And then he decided he wanted a break. It was then I knew he was gone. He found someone else and was going to move on and I knew it, I just didn't want to accept it. His break lasted three days, and he texted me late the third night wanting to talk. He said he didn't know what he wanted to do, and wasn't sure about me, and I suggested breaking off our relationship. No it wasn't easy, but I knew it was coming, and I had braced for it. So, on September 9th, my feet spiraled out from under me, and our relationship came to a close. I was in a state of emotional trauma and emotional free-fall. The week following was no easier.
We decided to keep close, and just stay friends. It was rough for me because I can't look at him as anything less than the guy I love, and the guy who has my heart so completely. I don't know exact days of when the next event happened but I will do my best to recount them as best as my memory will allow.
Jacob and I were talking about our breakup, and I told him that I didn't want the breakup, and that I wanted him back. He told me, though we hadn't been broken up for more than a week (I believe this was 3 days later in fact), he had already moved on and found someone else. I was crushed. We didn't talk for a couple days. I was pretty mad, and hurt. I felt that he lied to me because he told me he didn't want to date for a while, but turned around and went back on his word. I probably shouldn't have been surprised but I was. We didn't talk for a while again. And when we finally started to talk again, we discussed our breakup and I found that it was all based on a bunch of miscommunication and misconceptions. But it changed nothing, because we went back to not talking.
It may seem that I wasn't fighting. But I was. I tried to arrange days for Jacob and I to talk about what had happened and about my feelings and things that I wanted to try and fix, but everytime Jacob cancelled or told me that he was firm on his decision in moving on. So it seemed absolutely pointless for me to even attempt trying to have a conversation with him. I would usually just get mad and stop talking to him.
I took a weekend "mental vacation" to Utah to visit with my parents to help my healing process. And it really did help me a lot. Jacob had agreed to have another talk with me, and my mom helped me to prepare for the talk. I knew that I needed to tell Jacob what I felt I had done wrong, and I needed answers about what he wanted from whatever was left of our relationship. I needed to tell him that I wanted him back and I was willing to do anything to get him back. When I got back to Texas, I was prepared for it, and I felt ready for it. But then, like the past two times we had tried to talk, he texted me and told me "I thought I should let you know, but I'm moving on." Just like that. I got really mad. I was so ready to talk to him, I had mentally rehearsed for it, and I was more ready this time than I had ever been before, and he's just going to drop that on me without even giving me a chance? Saying I was explosive is an understatement. I was so mad I drove up to Denton to retrieve a key to my apartment and my class ring rather than waiting for him to give them too me. I was tired of his games and of him using those as an excuse to keep me hanging around. I got my stuff and drove off before he could even say anything to me. I heard him start to say something, but I was gone before I could hear him say anything. We didn't talk for two weeks after that.
Those two weeks were the worst weeks of my life. The beginning was the hardest. I didn't know how to not talk to the kid, I hated not having him around to talk about my problems with, I hated the situation. I was trying to do things to keep my mind busy and to keep it off of him, but there were reminders of him everywhere I went. I was picking up groceries from the store and I reached into my purse and found a picture of him and lost it. I started crying my eyes out all over again. It started to get easier for me to feign happiness and to pretend everything was okay, but I cried myself to sleep every night, lost my appetite (I rarely ate anything, I've lost 15 pounds from that), and I was just depressed. I really was. And then, one day when I was sitting on my couch, bored and lonely as was usual, he texted me. Just a simple "Hey. I'm sorry we haven't talked in a while." I wasn't expecting it, it came out of the blue, but just that alone gave me hope.
He was going through some troubles of his own, and so we talked about them, in addition to our own issues. He decided to surprise me with a visit on October the 10th. It was just like old times. It started to rain really hard that night, so we went out to a parking lot and played in the rain. We wandered around Wal-Mart, and just had a lot of fun, just like we used to do. It felt good. I felt happy, normal, for the first time in weeks. I saw him the next day, and then he returned to Denton on Saturday. Saturday night, I didn't want to be lonely so I went up to Denton and visited. We were sitting and talking and then things went downhill once again. I won't get too far into the whole situation that ensued from this because it delves into a bit of Jacob's personal life, as well as a third party's. So let me briefly describe it.
A girl that I have always had an issue with trusting since the day Jacob told me about decided to come between Jacob and I again. She has her own boyfriend and was "just friends" with Jacob. When I went to Denton that Saturday night she got really mad that Jacob was hanging out with me and I honestly felt threatened. She told Jacob she wanted me to leave, and Jacob thought she was out in the
parking garage. Needless to say, I stayed the night at UNT and left the next morning. She told Jacob she was done and the cycle went back and fourth for the week. She eventually told Jacob that he had to choose between herself and me, which I thought was immature and ridiculous. What kind of friend would make another friend pick friends? I was very frustrated with her, especially with the stuff she kept saying to me. I got mad at her because she manipulated Jacob into telling me some very mean and hurtful things about me, in addition to other details I won't disclose. Wednesday night, Jacob called to tell me he was on the way because he needed someone. He told me that he chose me. I was expecting the opposite, and so was very surprised. The next day he went back on his word and chose the other girl. I cried, a lot. I didn't know whether to feel mad, sad, hurt, I just didn't know anything at all. I couldn't believe that he would turn his back on everything I had become. This other girl had called me "the clingiest girl she knew" and I believed her. It was all too much for me to take in. In a last ditch effort I sent Jacob an email describing my feelings about everything. Towards him, towards her, and also this:
We were best of friends. We met almost a year ago to the day, when you decided to be a dumb ass and lay in a pile of ants. I came over there and we laid in the grass staring up at the stars casually chatting. Aaron teased us about not being alone together even then. From there, I found out that some kid named Jacob wanted to become my steam friend. I had no idea who he was. He started messaging me on there and I thought he was flirting with me, and then he got mad and told me to stop spreading rumors. Eventually I had the guts to give you my phone number and from there our friendship flourished. We started running our random trips to Barnes and Noble, as a matter of fact, that was my first encounter alone with you, one of those trips. Then you were being all weird with not letting me choose the song on your phone to play on your radio, and driving me all over the state of Texas in order to delay for my surprise birthday party from, which we ended up bailing from to go have fun with our other activities. A month passed and I fell for you. Another month passed and we had our first kiss together (in your garage, if you didn't remember that detail). And the months started flying by. We experienced so many things together that I otherwise would not have experienced. You helped me to learn the streets of Midlothian and helped me to get in better touch with God. You introduced me to your wonderful family. I met your goofy ass dad, and your adorable mom, and your brother who reminds me of your dad with his goofy randomness. We shared favorite songs, favorite books, favorite movies. I met your crazy Aunt and Uncle, and my life was forever changed.It was just a simple recount of our past. A quick one, but a piece of our past nonetheless. That alone was enough to make him rethink everything. And he did. He told both the other girl and I that he needed time to think through it and that he needed to talk to somebody about it. In the end he chose me. Yes, we are still having a few issues with the things that happened, as I'm sure anybody would. I'm having troubles trusting him, and he knows that. The other girl came around and told me that she wanted us to get together again and date. And I am happy to say that we are. We realized that we can't stop loving each other, and even through it all I still love him as much as we did before all of this transpired. I will be able to trust him again in time, but for now, this is just an roadblock that we need to work through.
I have so many people on my side in all of this and I cannot begin to thank you all for your support. I know a lot of you are probably thinking I'm a stupid girl, and maybe I am. I have let Jacob know that this is his final chance. He knows that the moment he messes it up, I am done. I was almost done when he told me he chose her. I love him now, as I'm sure I will for a very long time, if not forever. I'm ready to move forward. With God on my side, I know that that is possible. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression, I have pills I can take but I haven't taken them on the grounds that I feel better now. Happier. So please don't be too concerned about me on that front.
Again, thank you all for being there for me and being caring people. May God bless you in your lives as you have blessed me in mine.
~Alyssa
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