Messy Messy Things

I had been intending to update you people on my life but, let me just say, life happened. Oh life happened hard my friends. I really feel like this blog is more of my personal coping mechanism than anything else, but I still think keeping people updated is a good thing too. So here we go...

Jacob broke up with me.

Yup. That happened. And it's a thing. Why is still a question that is unanswered, but the answer I got was an answer enough. Things had been kind of rough between us, but they were getting better. We were laughing instead of fighting, and we were just doing better in general and then, not even a full 3 days after our last date (which was a lot of fun, by the way) he dropped the bomb. That was on the 27th of May. He told me the whole "it's not you, it's me" spiel (basically), and told me that he had to find himself. That's a really admirable thing to say when you break up with someone, and no I'm not being sarcastic when I say that. Knowing that you have lost yourself and who you are and knowing that you need to break it off with your S.O. takes guts. Regardless, I knew that wasn't it. I knew he was going through some extremely hard and messy things himself, but I knew that wasn't the real reason. He eventually told me, and it was because he just didn't love me anymore, and he hadn't for a while. And you know what? Even though that still isn't an answer to me, it's better than what I had before, and it's the honest truth. It was enough of an answer for me to move on, well that, among other things helped.

I learned, shortly after we broke up, that he had his ex come over to his place. No, I didn't ask if he was seeing her, it was just happenstance that I found out. Now if that was just seeing her as a friend or seeing her as lover is a different story and a story that is being left a mystery. Maybe he does love her, but it doesn't matter because he doesn't love me and his love life shouldn't worry me. But I'm a girl, so naturally, it does. However, I'm keeping my inner girl at bay and resisting the urge to ask him that, more on this later. I had also heard that he was victimizing himself in all of this, and maybe he was the victim and maybe he wasn't, that is something that is definitely of an opinion to the beholder (because I think I'm the true victim here) but, again, it really doesn't matter who was or was not the victim. Honestly, we were both probably at fault. I am here to just rant and give my side of things.

I really truly don't know if it was me that messed us up or not. I was being really hard on him because he wasn't reaching the goals that he wanted to reach, and definitely not the goals that I wanted him to reach. And when I say being really hard on him, I mean being REALLY hard on him. It got so bad I didn't even know if I wanted to stay with him. On the other hand, he was riding me really hard about some things too. One of them was my weight, which I knew was bad. I just didn't know where to squeeze in the time for gym without cutting hours at work and without cutting class time. Yeah it's an excuse, but those are two of the biggest things in my life, so they don't seem like excuses to me. And once school let out, I did start working on them. Maybe he saw that I was working on it and maybe he didn't, again it didn't matter because he had already decided that he didn't love me anymore.

I think that I have gotten through the grief of losing him. Finally. We had broken up before and I was basically permanently stuck in the grieving phase. We got back together and that was what basically snapped me out of it. This time around, I was so scared of being like that, that after learning he had gotten back with his ex, I told myself that he did not deserve another tear out of me. The funny fact is that I still cried, but I can count on my fingers the number of times that I cried over him. I then moved into the stage where food didn't taste the same, and where I had felt physically sick over the thought of food. I still ate, but it definitely wasn't the amounts that I had usually ate.

Now I'm in the stage where I'm reinventing the s****y relationship that we had into one that was all daisies and roses. I cannot, for the life of me, remember the bad stuff that happened, but I remember all the good things. I'm reading a book called "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and it actually pointed this out to me. It's called Relationship Revisionist Disorder, it's weird to think that something that seems so natural has a name. Then again, just about every feeling nowadays has a name right?

I'm also questioning everything. When I was packing up his stuff to give to him, I ran into the card that he had given me for our anniversary, and his signature read (and I quote), "Here's to many more! I love you Alyssa! Happy Anniversary! Love, Jacob." Now, he tells me that he didn't love me for a good 4-6 months. Our anniversary was April 1st, and no that is not a joke. That was roughly 2 months ago. So did he really love me? I don't know, and I don't really need to know. But my mind still wants to know, even though my conscious tells it otherwise. Some other things I wonder include: Okay, what is he doing now? Is he back in a relationship with his ex? Does he miss me? Does he care about me? What is he doing now? Does he ever think of me? Does he want to talk to me as bad as I want to talk to him? My mind is just full of questions. About him. About what we had. About why this happened. But I'm really starting to grasp the concept of, "he doesn't love you anymore so it really doesn't matter."

I'm also starting to grasp the fact that now is the time to work on ME. And for right now, the world does revolve around me (at least in my eyes). Now is the perfect time to get myself back on track for the next mister right, because the only commitment that I have to a living being is my cat. And I have been working on just that. I've been eating slightly better, exercising (in fact, I have a gym membership now, and said gym has a pool, and if you know me, you know that pool = permanently water-logged Alyssa), slowly losing weight, I got my hair done, and I even cut it and colored it slightly differently. I am working to climb my way out of my crappy hole that I put myself in emotionally, and I think it's working. I started class last week, and I already have a group of friends, which one of my friends dubbed "Alyssa's group." As a side note, I didn't even know her name when she named it that.

One question a lot of my friends have asked is what I would do if he came back around to me. And the truth is, I don't think I could take him back. If I hadn't known that he went back with his ex, then I definitely would take him back. But I made a promise to myself when we got back together after being broken apart the first time, that if this happened again, I wouldn't get back with him. I gave him his redemption once, and I cannot let myself become a rug that gets trampled on. No matter how much I loved him, and no matter how much I WANT to take him back, I just think that it would happen again. And it would be stupid of me to let myself get walked over because I deserve better than that, and I know I do. If he came back in a month, or even within the next year, I wouldn't take him back. He DOES need to find himself, just like he said he did. And he needs to come to the realization that maybe what he had was good. In a year or two down the road, who knows! Ideally, we both find someone better than each other, and this question/problem isn't really even a question or a problem. But is this world ideal? Not really, at least not with the messy situations that life throws at us.

So yes, this crap does suck. And f**k yes I miss being in a relationship. The hand holds, the kisses, the cuddles, even just having someone to text all day everyday, that's what I miss. The thing I don't miss is him. No matter how good a person he is, and believe me, he still is a good person (just maybe not to me at this particular moment), the fact of the matter is HE dumped ME. Just like that, two years and two months of relationship were dumped down the toilet. But I keep telling myself it's for the better, because I truly believe that there is someone out there who is just dying to give me their love and to let me love them. I just never gave them the chance because I was committed to Jacob. Which at the time was okay, but now it is time to move on.

All of this being said, am I mad? Yes. Am I sad? You betcha. But guess what? Things are getting better and my life IS moving forward despite what I thought clear back on the 27th. I am becoming the new shiney me that I so deserve to be. And even in spite of all of this, I still wish Jacob the best. Because as I said earlier, he is still a good person, even though my conscious doesn't think he is at the moment. Things just sucked between us, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about that no matter how good of a person you are or they are.

To all my readers out there going through a breakup, I hope that you can find the same peace and freedom that I have found and move on with your life. You are all stellar people and deserve to move on. If you need some motivation, I really recommend the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." It isn't one of those stupid breakup books, it really is useful and it doesn't make you feel bad about yourself or your situation. Not only is it chock full of great advice, it also happens to be hilarious.

Looking forward to better days,
Alyssa

My Worst Day Became my Worst Week

If any of my blog readers know me personally, you would know that I'm a generally positive person with a generally positive outlook on just about everything. You would also know that I just recently had my worst day ever when I was rear ended by someone. No, it was not my fault. You would think that, because it was such a simple rear-ending, it would be a simple fix. At least, that's what I thought and was hoping for. But boy was I wrong. My worst day (in the history of ever), is becoming my worst week ever. I feel like it's starting to become my worst month ever. So here is my story on how that came to be.

Let me start with what happened with the wreck. I was driving to school from work, and I took my usual route. There was traffic, but there is hardly ever a time when there isn't traffic on that route. I took my exit, and I was basically at the exit of the exit. The intersection I was approaching is set up so that those that are exiting (those heading northward) proceed through the intersection without stopping, and the people that are going through the intersection the opposite direction (those going west or turning north from the west) are supposed to stop. A lot of times people will cut in front of those coming off the exit ramp and the people coming off the exit ramp have to slam on their brakes. Well, the person in front of me slammed on their brakes so I slammed on mine. My car was stopped, and was about to jerk me back into my seat when I flew forward and hit my head on the steering wheel. I blacked out briefly and as such, did not realize I was just rear ended. I started to drive away, but heard a scraping noise and then a sizzling noise and decided to inspect further. I stumbled out of my car and found that my car was mostly okay, and the guy that hit me, well, his car was just done for. I call 911, the cops come, yada yada yada....

At first we worried if my car was going to get totaled out, the damage was pretty bad. Aside from the cosmetic element of the accident, my exhaust system got all messed up, the trunk won't close because the bottom half of the trunk (and not the trunk door itself) got pushed in towards my engine, my glove box is broken and won't close, and as I'm driving it more, I'm finding that my alignment got messed up too. It doesn't seem too bad, but I've had to fix my car redneck style at least 3 different times now. It doesn't feel safe to drive, it honestly scares me to drive, and somehow it was still deemed "driveable," and "safe to drive." 

Anyway, I digress. They did not total my car out and I was pretty relieved. This is my first car and I just wasn't ready to say goodbye to it just yet. I scheduled for a time to take it in and get repaired, and find that, because we are in Texas and because some of the worst weather happens in March and April, that it will take a week for them to get it in. That didn't seem too bad, but the more I drive it, the more things go wrong with it, and at this point I'm just ready to pay for a rental out of pocket. 

Before I get into the mess with getting a rental though, I'll get into more dirty details. So I went to the doctor the day after my accident (Last Wednesday, the 6th) to get checked out. I was really sore and couldn't move my neck, and I was also showing symptoms of a concussion. Well, I found out I did have a concussion, I had whiplash, and then I had a contusion (or a severe bruise). The doctor prescribed me to 12 sessions of Physical Therapy. which translates to 4 weeks, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Because of this, my work hours have been severely hampered. Along with that, I refuse to take my car on the freeway, so my commute time doubled (it takes me close to an hour to get from home to work and vice versa). Thankfully I have an awesome boss who understands what I'm going through. She is always quick to remind me that I will come out of this knowing something that I didn't before, and it's probably something that is important and that I needed to know. But even an awesome boss can't just make hours appear on your time clock. So my income is being hampered severely. 

Well, then I realized, after my car goes into the shop, I'll need a rental. Usually, to rent a car, you have to be 21, and I'm only 20. That rule is utter horseshit to me because I can drive, and move out of the house (and even to a different state, in my case), but when I get rear ended (and it wasn't my fault) I can't get a vehicle to get me to essential everyday functions of my life. I just don't get it.

I digress, again. So the end of the semester is near, and that means that the projects are just being thrown at you from all 360 degrees. Everywhere you turn another paper is due, or another test is assigned. Because of that, I've been very short on time, and having a broken car means I run even shorter on time because it takes me longer to get to where I need to go. Being a working college student without a car is literally a living nightmare. I finally was able to go into Enterprise today to talk to them. Well, because of all the hail-storms that have been coming around here recently, they had a waitlist of 20 people. Furthermore, the only way I can get a rental is if my insurance will set up a direct bill. Oh, and they tack on a fee for anyone under the age of 20. And you have to have full coverage insurance on your current car.

Needless to say, after my car goes into the shop, I don't know if I'll have a rental. And if I don't that means I don't know how  I'll get to work. At this point my only even semi viable option is a three hour commute time by public transportation. Or taking a taxi. At this point, I'm basically at the mercy of God, and I know that. I've prayed and prayed for something good to come through and so far, not much has. But I know that there is a silver lining somewhere and I've just got to keep trudging on through the mess to see the silver lining. 

I'm so stressed out and downright frustrated about the whole situation in general, but even more so with just the rental car thing I want to cry and scream and get a hug from my parents and a kiss from my dog. But we can't have everything we want in life can we?

~Alyssa

Weather and Me

I haven't posted in a while, and I figured maybe I should show a sign of life and post something so I figured I'd share a bit of my past with everyone and update on one of the biggest accomplishments I've done so far.

Let's rewind to my toddler days, when I was about 4 years old. I was living in Utah at the time, and a big storm had blown in. There was plenty of lightning and thunder and 4 year old me was scared out of her mind. My mom, finally having enough of it, decided to go outside (under our porch), sit me on her lap, and make me watch the storm roll through. From that day forward, my family and I would always sit on the porch and watch Mother Nature's fury unfold right before our eyes.

About a year later, they were watching what is still one of my favorite movies- Twister. I saw one of the scenes with a tornado and was totally engrossed in everything about it. My mom fast forwarded to all of the scenes involving tornadoes, and that became my new favorite movie. We've watched it so many times as a family that we can now recite almost the entire movie line by line.

After seeing the tornadoes on Twister, I decided to take things further. When I was about 7 I started researching the Weather. I read everything I could, researched the internet, and learned as much as I could about the weather, more specifically tornadoes. I thought I was going to be a storm chaser and attend University of Oklahoma. I continued this intensive research until I was about 12. When I had reached that age, I realized that pursuing a meteorology degree wasn't going to get me where I wanted to be in my life.

After that, all throughout Junior High and High School, I was more into computers and the technical side of the theater (which I still very much am). The weather enthusiast in me kind of fizzled out and died. It wasn't until I moved to Texas, and began experiencing (pretty much firsthand) just how ferocious Mother Nature can be. I found myself getting terrified whenever there was a tornado warning, and didn't have a clue about what was going on. So what did I do? During one particular storm, back in Fall 2015, I went back to my toddler days, and faced my fears.

I tuned into Twitter, and followed various local meteorologists, storm chasers, and the National Weather Service. I was seeing some of the people chasing the storms and something ignited the passion within me once again. One of my coworkers at work is very much involved in meteorology as well, and he helped me reattain my passion too.

This weekend, I pursued that dream just a little more and became a National Weather Service storm spotter! I'm a part of the Skywarn program, and we monitor a report called the Hazardous Weather Outlook, and wait to be called to action. When called upon, we are monitoring the weather and cloud formations with our own senses and sending data back into the National Weather Service. This is something I can do comfortably from my home, or I can be a "Mobile Spotter," or in other words, a storm chaser. I don't have plans of becoming a storm chaser, but I might chase some if they aren't far away or especially dangerous.

All of this being said, I've learned something too. Sometimes, those outrageous fears that we have, the ones we don't think we could ever get rid of, can turn into a passion. And those passions can become dreams. I think that we should follow those dreams, face those fears, and see what we can make of it. All I know is, following my childhood dream, and doing something with it, has me so excited. Bring on the storm season of 2016!

Love,

Alyssa