I think I'm going to try something new this time around, and I'm going to tell the internet what I feel are my biggest vulnerabilities- and that's my emotions. I'm really scared to do this, please don't judge me for this awful entry.
First off, this week my emotions have been all over the place. I'm happier than I have ever been, now that I'm basically in a relationship with someone, but on top of that, I have been nervous beyond relief it seemed.
Tuesday was Senior Breakfast (the name says it all) and it was a lot of fun. I went with my friend Jacob, and we met up with a bunch of our friends there. We went and ate breakfast, then the boys went on a bike ride and I met them in town for some lunch. Before then, I had received a call from my doctor telling me that one of the hormone levels was still high and that they wanted to do an MRI to see if I had tumors on my Pituitary Gland. Whether they're benign or not, that is an absolutely horrifying thought for me. And it was scary to even think that I had to get an MRI. I had been worrying about it all week, and even though I told my friends that I was okay, I really wasn't. I was incredibly nervous, and scared. Scared of the unknown, I suppose.
Then, even worse it seems to me, I might be going to Prom with my friend, but some things happened and now I don't know if it's happening or not. I really hope that he can go, but I totally understand if he can't. I'm just so so nervous that we won't be able to go. Truth is, I really enjoy this kid's company, and I can't think of a better way to spend my Senior Prom than with one of my very best friends. Needless to say, I don't have a for sure answer on that either, and I don't expect to have one for a while.
After that, it seemed I was on an upward trend. I was able to register for a really big PC gaming event in July with all of my guy friends, and also get my own hotel room, and I am so stoked for that. Our group was all really nervous that we wouldn't get in. But then we did. And that was a big relief and is definitely something to look forward to!
And then the MRI came. The stupid little gown I had to wear and the blankets they gave me smelled awful, like vomit. It seriously made me want to puke. The MRI itself wasn't so bad. But I am still so scared of what the results will be. I'm being optimistic, but at the same time, realistic because I know that there still is a chance that they won't be good, but optimistic because I know you can't dwell on the what-ifs and the bad things of life. I believe that if you dwell on those things, the chance of them happening increases. That's how life seems to work for me and a lot of other people I know.
So even though my emotions really were all over the place, I realized that it's all right to be scared, nervous, to show that you are happier than I have been in a long while. This is something that I struggle with often, and I know that is also something that I need to work on. How can people know the true me if I never show the true me? They can't.
Lame right? Like I said, don't judge.
Have a fantastic uh- future y'all!
~Alyssa
P.S. Jacob's parents are letting us go to Prom together!
P.S.S. I got Out-of-State tuition at UTA... :(
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